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Знакомство с Факерами (Meet the Fockers)

Jack Byrnes: Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important. Do you know what that is?
Greg Focker: Love, friendship... just love, I think.
Jack Byrnes: His legacy.
Greg Focker: That, too.
Jack Byrnes: If your family's circle joins in my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.

Bernie Focker: [proposing a touch football game] Dina, you and I will take on Jack and Roz. Come on, Jack, it'll be fun - we'll swap wives.

Jack Byrnes: I'm not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers.

[after the Byrnes' cat flushes the Fockers' dog down the toilet]
Roz Focker: Your cat can flush?

Bernie Focker: Can you believe I fathered him with just one testicle? Imagine how he would have turned out if I had had two.
Greg Focker: Yeah! Great ice breaker.

Pam Byrnes: No! After next month, I am going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I... I know how that sounds but I don't care!

Greg Focker: You meet some of the... eh... some of the cousins?
Jack Byrnes: I met some, yes. I met some... Dom?
Greg Focker: Yeah, Dom Focker, that's my dad's... uh... first cousin. You meet his kids, Randy and Orny?

Bernie Focker: If its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down... Oops, looks like I forgot my own rule
[flushes the toilet]

[Bernie is laying under the RV to prevent Jack from leaving]
Jack Byrnes: Bernie, get out from under the car or I will run you over!

Bernie Focker: This is capoeira, man. This is some hardcore shit.

Local Cop: He's got a rubber boobie!

Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?
Roz Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?
Bernie Focker: You people?
Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker: Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.
Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker: Mom.
Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?
Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.
Jack Byrnes: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker: Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes: The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frusrated]
Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.
Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
[everyone is quiet]
Greg Focker: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

[repeated line]
Little Jack: Ass-'ole

Isabel: He is a handsome little Focker!
Jack Byrnes: He's not a Focker.

Greg Focker: [high on Truth Serum, giving a speech] Hello everybody. I am, uh, about to set sail on my ship... on the sea of life with my first mate - the beautiful Pamela Byrnes.
Pam Byrnes: Love you, baby!
[blows kiss]
Greg Focker: [drunkenly blows back kiss, pauses] I still masturbate to Pam. What? She's hot - check out those boobs. I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and rub my face in 'em. I could take a vacation in there. What? Gosh, sorry you're perfect! And there's another wonderful lady in the audience, my future mother-in-law Dina Byrnes! Dina-Dina-Bo-Bina-I-love-Dina! Byrnes! You know they say you can tell from looking at the mother what your wife will look like in the future - well, I'm looking, and I'm LIKIN...
[Spies Jorge]
Greg Focker: In my first... passionate sexual awakening, I made sweet sweet love to my housekeeper, Isabelle.
Pam Byrnes: Come on, honey, that was in the past, so sit down.
Greg Focker: No no no, baby - I gotta get this off my chest.
Pam Byrnes: Please... sit.
Greg Focker: We conceived a child. Come on up here, Jorge! This is the fruit of my loins. Come on - search your heart, you know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa! Yeah, I know, a lot of information to take in. Give that boy a hand. Oh, and Jack - Pam's pregnant. Focker out.
[passes out]

Jack Byrnes: [about Focker Isle] We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL.

[the Fockers' outgoing message]
Bernie Focker: Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?
Roz Focker: I have no idea. Just press a button.
Bernie Focker: All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?
Roz Focker: I thought they give you gas.
Bernie Focker: A little bit, but it's worth it.
Roz Focker: Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes.
Bernie Focker: Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga!
Roz Focker: So make a chimichang...
[beep]

Greg Focker: Hey, Dad, you shouldn't take Moses into the RV. Jack and Dina have a cat.
Bernie Focker: Oh, Moses is fine. He's perfectly trained.
Greg Focker: Dad, he humps everything that moves.
Roz Focker: [Laughing] He's like your father!
Bernie Focker: I never cheated on you!

Roz Focker: I'm wondering why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest!

Bernie Focker: You weren't around in the '60's! This is how we got things done!

Greg Focker: Look, Little Jack was crying so I picked him up and gave him some hugs. Then I went into the kitchen to answer the phone and when I came back, he had let himself out of the playpen, put on Scarface and glued his hands to the rum bottle. Ok?

Dina Byrnes: Sweetheart, do we really have to hurry like this?
Jack Byrnes: Oh, yes. We have to pull a little covert operation here. The bandleader says we've got approximately 23 minutes until it's time to cut the cake.

Bernie Focker: You fockerized them!
Roz Focker: Yeah!
Bernie Focker: I'm gonna fockerize you!

Roz Focker: Yeah, and now it's up to 50 Fockers.
Jack Byrnes: 50 Fockers. What could be better?

Greg Focker: Mom, I'm truly not comfortable having this conversation with you. I've been telling you that since I was eleven.

Roz Focker: Tell me, what's going on with that man of yours?
Dina Byrnes: Well, Jack's always been a little wound up. His job is very stressful.
Roz Focker: Being a florist is stressful?
Dina Byrnes: There's more to it than people think.

Roz Focker: How's your sex life?
Dina Byrnes: I can't tell you that!
Roz Focker: I'm a professional. Dina, I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality.
Dina Byrnes: I knew those weren't yoga mats!
Roz Focker: No.
Dina Byrnes: Well, we're not twenty five... anymore.
Roz Focker: But you're not dead either! Lots of couples our age lack intimacy...
Dina Byrnes: I didn't say we weren't intimate, there are special occasions. Anniversaries and... well, on our anniversary.
Roz Focker: Oy, neesh geete!
Dina Byrnes: What?
Roz Focker: Not good!

Jack Byrnes: [holding up a card of a female nurse, Little Jack laughing] Sorry, Greg. It only comes in one gender.

Bernie Focker: [points to Jack] There's my brother from another mother!

Greg Focker: Focker, out.

Jack Byrnes: I'm down here... under the bed.

Greg Focker: What's the sign for sour milk, 'cause this tastes a little... funky.
Jack Byrnes: That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.

Jack Byrnes: [Greg is cursing around Little Jack] I don't want his first word to be a profanity!

Bernie Focker: It's not about winning or losing. It's about passion. You know what I mean, Jack.
Jack Byrnes: Not really, Bernard. I think personal competitive drive is the essential key that makes America what it is today.
Bernie Focker: Well, whatever works.

Pam Byrnes: Did you tell your mother that I'm pregnant? Because she keeps touching my stomach and smiling like that.
Greg Focker: No, I didn't tell her. She guessed.
Pam Byrnes: She what?
Greg Focker: Yeah, and then she told my dad.
Pam Byrnes: Oh, my God.

Bernie Focker: [sitting on the toilet] Howdy, partner! It's nice all of us being here together, isn't it?
Jack Byrnes: Bernie, do you mind if I have some privacy?
Bernie Focker: Almost done...

Bernie Focker: [hitting toilet with fire extinguisher] I gotta save my dog!
Jack Byrnes: Forget your dog, what about my toilet?

Bernie Focker: Do you want me to be macho wacho?
Greg Focker: Dad, have I ever said the words macho wacho to you?

Judge Ira: Bingo, Bango, Bongo!
Roz Focker: The man is loose, he's limber, and he's ready for action.

Roz Focker: You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man?

Bernie Focker: [after tackling Roz, while playing football] Remember the time in the park? Remember the time in the park?

Jack Byrnes: Okay we can play 3 on 2, but we'll need someone to be official quarterback.
Bernie Focker: Gay goes both ways.
Jack Byrnes: Oh, I'll bet he does.

Dina Byrnes: Bernie, this frittata is wonderful, what's in it?
Bernie Focker: Well, a lot of the taste comes from this old skillet. I've never washed it.

Roz Focker: Nah, I'm bored. Come on, Dina. You want a Spritzer?
Dina Byrnes: What? Oh, a Spritzer. Sounds yummy.

Greg Focker: [to Little Jack] What? You don't like me. I don't like your little red outfit. It makes you look like a little demon baby. Maybe I'll get you a little pitchfork for Christmas, so we can put you on a can of Underwood ham. I'm sorry I can't make little poop sounds and I can't make little things that tell people when I want to do things. But I have a sign for you.
[sticks up middle finger]
Greg Focker: How's that for a sign?

Bernie Focker: At least I'm comfortable enough in my skin to cook for my family. Tell me when was the last time you gave your wife breakfast in bed? When was the last time you gave her anything in bed?
Jack Byrnes: Now you're outta line Focker.
Bernie Focker: No man you are outta line. You hurt my feelings there. There's no reason to hurt my feelings.
[looks at Greg and points to Jack]
Bernie Focker: He insulted me.

Greg Focker: [singing] And if that mockingbird don't sing, then... Greg is gonna buy you a... diamond ring. And if that diamond ring gets sold, then... Greg is gonna feel like a... big asshole.
Little Jack: ...Asshole!
Greg Focker: [surprised] !... No... oh, no, you don't wanna say that word, cause that's a bad word!
Little Jack: Asshole!

Little Jack: Ash!hoole
Greg Focker: Jack's Mole! 'Cause grandpa Jack has a big mole on his cheek!

Dina Byrnes: Muskrat

Dina Byrnes: [after Bernie has destroyed Jack's toilet to save Moses] Jack, he was just trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it had been Jinx who fell in the toilet?
Jack Byrnes: [matter-of-factly] Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to have done in a submergion.

Dina Byrnes: Oh, Jack, isn't it wonderful? The kids are *finally* getting married?
Jack Byrnes: [about Little Jack] Wait a second; I think he spoke!
[pushes Dina aside]
Jack Byrnes: Little Jack! Were you about to speak?
[Little Jack passes gas]
Jack Byrnes: It's nothing, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, Dina?

Officer LeFlore: [to Bernie and Greg] I need you to... remain... on... the vehicle!

Dina Byrnes: [about their trailer] I call it "The Hilight of the Twilight".

Bernie Focker: You're going down, Byrnsie Boy! I'm gonna rearrange your bouquet!

Pam Byrnes: This weekend is going to be fun, and your parents are great.
Greg Focker: They're great in small doses.

Знакомство с родителями (Meet the parents)

Jack Byrnes: I will be watching you.

Jack Byrnes: Are you a pothead, Focker?

Pam Byrnes: I had no idea you could milk a cat!
Greg Focker: Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes: [He reacts] I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?

[Jack's Poem]
Jack Byrnes: "My Mother", by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, / You gave me milk, / You gave me courage. / Your name was Angela, / An angel from Heaven, / But you were also an angel of God, / And he needed you, too. / I selfishly tried to hold on to you, / While the cancer ate away at your organs, / Like an unstoppable rebel force, / And now we'll meet in Heaven, / And I shall see you / Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore.
Pam Byrnes: Dad, that's beautiful.
Greg Focker: That's amazing, so much love, and also so much information.

Jack Byrnes: I mean, can you really trust another human being, Greg?
Greg Focker: Yeah, I think so.
Jack Byrnes: No. The answer is you can not.

Jack Byrnes: I'm just curious, did you pick the color of the car?
Greg Focker: Uh no, the guy at the window did, why?
Jack Byrnes: Well they say geniuses pick green.
Greg Focker: Oh.
Jack Byrnes: But you didn't pick it.

Greg Focker: I'm gonna go upstairs and pay a visit to the shower fairy.

Jack Byrnes: I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.

Jack Byrnes: Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll feel the need for this type of security.

[Greg is trying to fit his large bag into the overhead bin]
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.
Greg Focker: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg Focker: No, no, I'm not - hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg Focker: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg Focker: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No...
Greg Focker: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION.

Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take...
Greg Focker: okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws *off* my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant: Sir, sir!
Greg Focker: Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.

Jack Byrnes: Oh, geez. I just thought of something.
Dina Byrnes: What?
Jack Byrnes: Pam's middle name.
Dina Byrnes: Martha... Oh, no.
Jack Byrnes, Dina Byrnes: Pamela Martha Focker.

Jack Byrnes: I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.

Greg Focker: Hey Jack, why don't you tell 'em about your little phone call in Thai.
Dina Byrnes: Jack can't talk Thai.
Greg Focker: Oh no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai. Jack talked Thai real well.

Greg Focker: Oh, oh check my pulse on this one, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes.

Jack Byrnes: I understand you may have had sexual relations with my daughter before, but under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. So just keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.

Dina Byrnes: Now Greg, you have a *very* unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it?
Greg Focker: Oh, just like its spelt. F-O-C-K-E-R.
Dina Byrnes: F-Focker.
Jack Byrnes: Hmm, Focker.

Denny Byrnes: You just sniffing my boxers, man?
Greg Focker: No, dude

Bob Banks: What is that smell?
Jack Byrnes: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the septic tank overflowed.
Greg Focker: I told you, Jack, it wasn't me, it was Jinx.
Jack Byrnes: FOCKER, I'm not gonna tell you again. Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes!
Larry: The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.

Greg Focker: This handles like a dream.
Larry: Let's not make it a nightmare.

Jack Byrnes: Did you flush this toilet?
Greg Focker: Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself.
Jack Byrnes: Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it.
Greg Focker: What does it matter?
Jack Byrnes: The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem.

[in the car listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon"]
Greg Focker: Who'd have thought it wasn't about a dragon.
Jack Byrnes: Huh?
Greg Focker: Well some people think that 'to puff the magic dragon' means to... puff... smoke... a marijuana cigarette.
Jack Byrnes: Puff is just the name of the boy's magical dragon... You a pothead, Focker?
Greg Focker: No, I pass on grass always. Well not always.
Jack Byrnes: Yes or no?
Greg Focker: No, um, yes, um...

Norm: I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.
Greg Focker: I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...
Norm: You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.
Greg Focker: No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
Norm: But you said bomb.
Greg Focker: I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".
Norm: You said "Bomb" on an airplane.
Greg Focker: What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?
Norm: You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!
Greg Focker: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!
Norm: You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years!

Pam Byrnes: Greg Honey, how are you doing?
Greg Focker: Oh great, considering I desecrated your Grandma's remains, found out you were engaged, and had your Father ask me to milk him.

Jack Byrnes: Greg's in medicine too.
Bob Banks: What field?
Greg Focker: Nursing.
Bob Banks: Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?
Greg Focker: Nursing.

Greg Focker: Don't worry about your little covert op, I'll keep it on the low down.
Denny Byrnes: Down low.
Greg Focker: No doubt.

Kevin: [On who inspired him to be a wood worker] I'd have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter and I figured if you're going to follow in somebody's footsteps, why not the steps of our lord and savior?
Jack Byrnes: [Before Greg has a chance to respond] Greg's Jewish.
Kevin: Really?
Greg Focker: Yeah.
[Jack smiles and nods]
Kevin: Well so was J.C...

[Greg is sitting in the dark. Pam walks in to check on him]
Pam Byrnes: What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep?
Greg Focker: No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me.

Late Night Courier: Gaylord M. Focker?
Greg Focker: That's me.
Jack Byrnes: I thought your name was Greg.
Greg Focker: It is.
Late Night Courier: That's not what it says here.
Greg Focker: Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade.
Denny Byrnes: Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker?

Pam Byrnes: You never told me about your cat milking days in Motown.

Jack Byrnes: Jesus, Focker. It's just a game.

Jack Byrnes: You tried to milk him, didn't you you sick son of a bitch?

Greg Focker: [on the phone] Yeah, you gave me the wrong suitcase. Uh-huh. Yes, it's a black Samsonite. Uh-huh. Ok, well don't you think that the Samsonite people, in some crazy scheme in order to make a profit, MADE MORE THAN ONE BLACK SUITCASE?

Deborah Byrnes: No. We are not gonna postpone the rehearsal for some stupid cat.
Jack Byrnes: Stupid cat? How can you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you. And we're supposed to just let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?
[looking around the house]
Jack Byrnes: Denny. DENNY?
Denny Byrnes: Right here, dad.
Jack Byrnes: Okay, you're subbing for the cat today.
Denny Byrnes: Oh no, I'm not wearing that stupid pillow thing on my head.
Jack Byrnes: Oh yes you damn well will!

Greg Focker: [In the car looking for Mr. Jinx] Hey Jinx, Mew, mew, mew. Supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet, fucker.

Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg Focker: Yes. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.
Greg Focker: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of an everyone wins thing.

Greg Focker: Oh, dear God, thank you, you are such a good God to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating God, and we thank You oh sweet, sweet Lord of hosts for the smörgåsbord You have so aptly laid at our table this day, and each day, by day, day by day, by day oh dear Lord three things we pray to love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly, day, by day, by day. Amen.

Jack Byrnes: What are you guys doing in here?
Larry: Looks like rounding second base.

[last lines]
Greg Focker: You have another question? Sure, I got one question for you. It's CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

Greg Focker: It's beautiful... what is it?
Kevin: It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH... Chupah?

Jack Byrnes: If I set you up, do you think you can spike it, Focker?
Greg Focker: Well, I would have to get pretty high.
Jack Byrnes: I bet you would, Panama Red.

Greg Focker: [practising his speech on a patient at the hospital] Will you marry me?
Greg's Hospital Patient: Yes.
Greg Focker: Seriously, do you think that sounds good?
Greg's Hospital Patient: [flinching] No.
Greg Focker: Really, because I think that pretty much sums up everything...
Greg's Hospital Patient: [struggling] No!
Greg Focker: [looking down] Oh, sorry.
[holding up catheter]
Greg Focker: Sometimes these catheters can pinch a little bit.

Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg Focker: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack Byrnes: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

Jack Byrnes: Denny can you- what is that?
Denny Byrnes: Oh this, um, well, it's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket.
Jack Byrnes: This isn't a sculpture. It's a device people use to smoke marijiuana.
Denny Byrnes: Reeaally.

Jack Byrnes: Have you ever watched pornographic videos?
Greg Focker: No.

Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.

Jack Byrnes: [to Greg] Oh, come on. We'll have some fun.

Jack Byrnes: Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Greg Focker: [Nervously] Yes. Yes, she did.
Jack Byrnes: Well, as long as you keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger.

Pam Byrnes: Take it easy on the sarcasm. Humor is entirely wasted on my parents.
Greg Focker: What are they... Amish?

Chicago Airport Security: [regarding Greg's bag] If it ain't fittin' through the frame, you ain't carryin' it on the plane.

Pam Byrnes: I love you, Dad, but you can be a real jerk sometimes.

Гладиатор (Gladiator)

[Maximus looks at images of his wife and son]
Juba: Can they hear you?
Maximus: Who?
Juba: Your family. In the afterlife.
Maximus: Oh yes.
Juba: What do you say to them?
Maximus: To my son - I tell him I will see him again soon. To keep his heels down while riding his horse. To my wife... that is not your business.

Gracchus: I don't pretend to be a man of the people. But I do try to be a man for the people.

Marcus Aurelius: Are you ready to do your duty for Rome?
Commodus: Yes, father.
Marcus Aurelius: You will not be emperor.
Commodus: Which wiser, older man is to take my place?
Marcus Aurelius: My powers will pass to Maximus, to hold in trust until the Senate is ready to rule once more. Rome is to be a republic again.
Commodus: Maximus?
Marcus Aurelius: Yes. My decision disappoints you?
Commodus: You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues: Wisdom, justice, fortitude and temperance. As I read the list, I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, father. Ambition. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness, courage, perhaps not on the battlefield, but... there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family and to you. But none of my virtues were on your list. Even then it was as if you didn't want me for your son.
Marcus Aurelius: Oh, Commodus. You go too far.
Commodus: I search the faces of the gods... for ways to please you, to make you proud. One kind word, one full hug... where you pressed me to your chest and held me tight. Would have been like the sun on my heart for a thousand years. What is it in me that you hate so much?
Marcus Aurelius: Shh, Commodus.
Commodus: All I've ever wanted was to live up to you, Caesar. Father.
Marcus Aurelius: [Marcus Aurelius gets down on his knees] Commodus. Your faults as a son is my failure as a father. Come
[Gives Commodus a hug]
Commodus: [Commodus hugs Marcus and cries] Father. I would have butcher the whole world... if you would only love me!
[Commodus begins to asphyxiate Marcus while they hug, Marcus grunts]

Cassius: On this day, we reach back to hallowed antiquity, to bring you a recreation of the second fall of the mighty Carthage!... On the barren plain of Zama, there stood the invincible armies of the barbarian Hannibal. Ferocious mercenaires and warriors from all brute nations, bent on merciless destruction, conquest. Your emperor is pleased to give you the barbarian horde!
[Crowd cheers]
Maximus: [while Cassius continues his introduction] Anyone here been in the army?
[an unknown gladiator responds yes and tells Maximus he served under his command at Vindobona]
Maximus: You can help me. Whatever comes out of these gates, we've got a better chance of survival if we work together. Do you understand? If we stay together we survive.
Cassius: I'm pleased to bring to you the Legionnaires of Scipio Africanus!

Gracchus: The Senate is the people, sire. Chosen from among the people, to speak for the people.

Maximus: You don't find it hard to do your duty?
Cicero: Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time, I do what I have to.

Commodus: Your Emperor asks for your loyalty, Maximus. Take my hand, I only offer it once.

Gracchus: He enters Rome like a conquering hero. But what has he conquered?
Falco: Give him time, Gracchus. He's young, he may do very well.
Gracchus: For Rome? Or for you?

Lucilla: Today I saw a slave become more powerful than the Emperor of Rome.

[to his dead friend]
Juba: I will see you again... but not yet... not yet...

Commodus: The general who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an emperor. Striking story! But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Emperor himself in the great arena?
Maximus: You would fight me?
Commodus: Why not? Do you think I am afraid?
Maximus: I think you've been afraid all your life.

Lucilla: I want to help you.
Maximus: Yes, you can help me... Forget you ever knew me, and never come back here again.

Maximus: I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."
Commodus: I wonder, did your friend smile at his own death?
Maximus: You must know. He was your father.
Commodus: You loved my father, I know. But so did I. That makes us brothers, doesn't it? Smile for me now, brother.
[stabs him]

Maximus: At my signal, unleash hell.

Maximus: Five thousand of my men are out there in the freezing mud. Three thousand of them are bloodied and cleaved. Two thousand will never leave this place. I will not believe that they fought and died for nothing.
Marcus Aurelius: And what would you believe?
Maximus: They fought for you and for Rome.
Marcus Aurelius: And what is Rome, Maximus?
Maximus: I've seen much of the rest of the world. It is brutal and cruel and dark, Rome is the light.
Marcus Aurelius: Yet you have never been there. You have not seen what it has become. I am dying, Maximus. When a man sees his end... he wants to know there was some purpose to his life. How will the world speak my name in years to come? Will I be known as the philosopher? The warrior? The tyrant...? Or will I be the emperor who gave Rome back her true self? There was once a dream that was Rome. You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish... it was so fragile. And I fear that it will not survive the winter.

[Watching Lucius sleep]
Commodus: He sleeps so well because he is loved.

Maximus: What we do in life echoes in eternity.

Maximus: I am required to kill, so I kill. That is enough.
Proximo: That's enough for the provinces, but not enough for Rome.

Maximus: [after swiftly dispatching another gladiator] Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?
Crowd: Spaniard, Spaniard, Spaniard...

Commodus: Rise. Rise.
[Maximus stands up, clenching an arrow head in his right hand]
Commodus: Your fame is well deserved, Spaniard. I don't think there's ever been a gladiator to match you. As for this young man, he insists you are Hector reborn. Or was it Hercules? Why doesn't the hero reveal himself and tell us all your real name? You do have a name.
Maximus: My name is Gladiator.
[turns away from Commodus]
Commodus: How dare you show your back to me! Slave, you will remove your helmet and tell me your name.
Maximus: [removes helmet and turns around to face Commodus] My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
[Commodus trembles in disbelief]
Quintus: Arms!
[Praetorians point their spears at the gladiators while the Colosseum crowd chants for them to live. Commodus shakes his head and motions the crowd for silence. He then raises his fist and reluctantly gives the thumbs-up signal]

Maximus: My name is Gladiator.

Lucius Verus: I like you Spaniard, and I shall cheer for you.
Maximus: They let you watch the games?
Lucius Verus: My uncle says it makes me strong.
Maximus: And what does your father say?
Lucius Verus: My father's dead.
Servant: Master Lucius, it is time.
Lucius Verus: I have to go.
Maximus: Thy name is Lucius?
Lucius Verus: Lucius Verus, after my father.

Quintus: People should know when they are conquered.
Maximus: Would you, Quintus? Would I?

Marcus Aurelius: When was the last time you were home?
Maximus: Two years, two hundred and sixty-four days and this morning.

Lucius Verus: Are you the one they call the Spaniard?
Maximus: Yes.
Lucius Verus: They said you were a giant. They said you could crush a man's skull with one hand.
Maximus: A man's? No. A boy's

Marcus Aurelius: There was a dream that was Rome. You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish, it was so fragile.

Maximus: Ancestors, I ask you for your guidance. Blessed mother, come to me with the Gods' desire for my future. Blessed father, watch over my wife and son with a ready sword. Whisper to them that I live only to hold them again, for all else is dust and air. Ancestors, I honor you and will try to live with the dignity that you have taught me.

Maximus: I may die here in this cell or in the arena tomorrow. What possible difference can I make?

Gracchus: He will bring them death, and they will love him for it.

Commodus: And now they love Maximus for his mercy. So I can't just kill him, or it makes me even more unmerciful! The whole thing's like some crazed nightmare.
Falco: He is defying you. His every victory is an act of defiance. The mob sees this, and so does the senate. Every day he lives, they grow bolder. Kill him.
Commodus: No. I will not make a martyr of him.
[Commodus walks around]
Falco: I have been told of a certain sea snake which has a very unusual method of attracting its prey. It will lie at the bottom of the ocean as if wounded. Then its enemies will approach, and yet it will lie quite still. And then its enemies will take little bites of it, and yet it remains still.
Commodus: So, we will lie still, and let our enemies come to us and nibble. Have every senator followed.

Commodus: Have I missed it? Have I missed the battle?
Marcus Aurelius: You have missed the war.
Commodus: Father, congratulations. I shall sacrifice a hundred bulls to honor your triumph.
Marcus Aurelius: Save the bulls. Honor Maximus. He won the battle.

Gracchus: Fear and wonder, a powerful combination.
Falco: You really think people are going to be seduced by that?
Gracchus: I think he knows what Rome is. Rome is the mob. Conjure magic for them and they'll be distracted. Take away their freedom and still they'll roar. The beating heart of Rome is not the marble of the senate, it's the sand of the coliseum. He'll bring them death - and they will love him for it.

Gracchus: But the Senate IS the people, sire. Chosen from AMONG the people. To speak FOR the people.
Commodus: I doubt if any of the people eat so well as you, Gracchus. Or have such splendid mistresses, Gaius.

Maximus: Strength and honor.

Commodus: It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.

[addressing his troops]
Maximus: Fratres!
[Cavalry addresses Maximus]
Maximus: Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!
[Cavalry laughs]
Maximus: Brothers, what we do in life... echoes in eternity.

[last lines]
Juba: And now we are Free. I will see you again... but not yet... Not yet!

[as an executioner tries to draw his sword but can't]
Maximus: The frost, it sometimes makes the blade stick.
[kills the executioner]

[His only line]
Tigris: We who are about to die, salute you!

Proximo: Those giraffes you sold me, they won't mate. They just walk around, eating, and not mating. You sold me... queer giraffes. I want my money back.

Proximo: Listen to me. Learn from me. I was not the best because I killed quickly. I was the best because the crowd loved me. Win the crowd and you will win your freedom.

Maximus: You risk too much.
Lucilla: I have much to pay for.
Maximus: You have nothing to pay for.

Proximo: Congratulations, you have very persuasive friends.
Lucilla: My brother's had Gracchus arrested. We daren't wait any longer. We must leave tonight. Proximo will be here t midnight and take you to the gate. Your servant, Cicero will be waiting there with horses.
[Maximus nods]
Maximus: You have done all this?
Lucilla: Yes.
Maximus: [sighs] You risk too much.
Lucilla: I have much to pay for.
[Maximus shakes his head]
Maximus: You have nothing to pay for. You love your son, you are strong for him.
Lucilla: I am tired of being strong.(sighs) My brother hates all the world and you most of all.
Maximus: Because your father chose me.
Lucilla: No because my father loved you... and because I loved you.
Maximus: A long time ago.
[kisses her hand]
Lucilla: [smiles] Was I very different then?
Maximus: (shakes his head, touches her face with his finger) You laughed more.
Lucilla: I have felt alone all my life, except with you. I must go.
Maximus: Yes.
[kisses Lucilla one last time]

Marcus Aurelius: Let us pretend that you are a loving daughter, and I am a good father.
Lucilla: This is a pleasant fiction, is it not?

Maximus: Are you in danger of becoming a good man, Proximo?
Proximo: Ha!

Lucilla: My brother hates all the world and you most of all.
Maximus: Because your father chose me.
Lucilla: No. Because my father loved you. And because I loved you.

Proximo: [addressing his new recruits] I am Proximo! I shall be closer to you for the next few days, which will be the last of your miserable lives, than that bitch of a mother who first brought you screaming into this world! I did not pay good money for your company. I paid it so that I might profit from your death. And just as your mother was there at your beginning, I shall be there at your end. And when you die - and die you shall - your transition will be to the sound of...
[claps his hands]
Proximo: Gladiators... I salute you.

[Looking at some slaves]
Proximo: Can any of them fight? I've got a match coming up.
Slave Trader: Some are good for fighting, others for dying. You need both, I think.

Proximo: [holding up a sword] Thrust this into another man's flesh, and they will applaud and love you for that. You may even begin to love them
[thrusts]
Proximo: for that.

Proximo: Some of you are thinking that you won't fight. Others, that you can't fight. They all say that, until they're out there

Proximo: Ultimately, we're all dead men. Sadly, we cannot choose how but, what we can decide is how we meet that end, in order that we are remembered, as men.

Commodus: I think I understand my own people.
Gracchus: Then perhaps Caesar will be so good as to teach us, out of his own extensive experience?
Commodus: I call it love, Gracchus. The people are my children, I am their father. I shall hold them to my bosom and embrace them tightly...
Gracchus: Have you ever embraced someone dying of plague, sire?
Commodus: No, but if you interrupt me again, I assure you that you will.

[Upon seeing the Coliseum for the first time]
Juba: I didn't know men could build such things.

Lucilla: Is Rome worth one good man's life? We believed it once. Make us believe it again. He was a soldier of Rome. Honor him.
Gracchus: Who will help me carry him?
[Gladiators surround Maximus to carry him out of the arena]

Maximus' Son: Mamma, i soldati!

Proximo: He knows to well how to manipulate the mob.
Maximus: Marcus Aurelius had a dream that was Rome, Proximo. That is not it. That is not it!
Proximo: Marcus Aurelius is dead, Maximus. We mortals are but shadows and dust. Shadows and dust, Maximus!

[just before he is stabbed by the guards]
Proximo: Shadows and dust.

Marcus Aurelius: You have proven your valor once again, Maximus. Let us hope for the last time.
Maximus: There is no one left to fight, sire.
Marcus Aurelius: There is always someone left to fight. How can I reward Rome's greatest general?
Maximus: Let me go home.
Marcus Aurelius: Ah, home.

Marcus Aurelius: Won't you accept this great honor that I have offered you?
Maximus: With all my heart, no.
Marcus Aurelius: Maximus, that is why it must be you.

Juba: You have a great name. You must kill your name before he kills you.

[after the final duel]
Maximus: Quintus! Release my men. Senator Gracchus is to be reinstated. There was a dream that was Rome. It shall be realized. These are the wishes of Marcus Aurelius.

Proximo: So Spaniard, we shall go to Rome together and have bloody adventures. And the great whore will suckle us until we are fat and happy and can suckle no more. And then, when enough men have died, perhaps you will have your freedom.

Commodus: You and I are not much different. You take life when you have to, as I do.
Maximus: I have only one more life to take. Then it is done.

Commodus: [to Falco] Lucius will stay with me now. And if his mother so much as looks at me in a manner that displeases me, he will die. If she decides to be noble and takes her own life, he will die.
[to Lucilla]
Commodus: And as for you, you will love me as I loved you. You will provide me with an heir of pure blood, so that Commodus and his progeny will rule for a thousand years. Am I not merciful?
[Lucilla turns her head]
Commodus: AM I NOT MERCIFUL?

Commodus: If you're very good, tomorrow night I'll tell you the story of emperor Claudius who was betrayed by those closest to him, by his own blood. They whispered in dark corners and went out late at night and conspired and conspired but the emperor Claudius knew they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you've been doing busy little bee or I shall strike down those dearest to you. You shall watch as I bathe in their blood." And the emperor was heartbroken. The little bee had wounded him more deeply than anyone else could ever have done. And what do you think happened then, Lucius?
Lucius Verus: I don't know, uncle.
Commodus: The little bee told him everything.

Gracchus: The beating heart of Rome is not the marble of the Senate, it's the sand of the Colosseum. He'll bring them death and they will love him for it.

Lucilla: Please be quiet, brother! Your constant scheming gives me even more of a headache!

Lucilla: What did my father want with you?
Maximus: To wish me well before I leave for home.
Lucilla: You're lying, I could always tell when you were lying because you were never any good at it.
Maximus: I never acquired your comfort with it.
Lucilla: True, but then you never had to, life is more simple for a soldier. Or do you think me heartless?
Maximus: I think you have a talent for survival.

Marcus Aurelius: [to his daughter Lucilla] If only you had been born a man, what a Caesar you would have made.

Quintus: Maximus, please be careful, that wasn't prudent.
Maximus: Prudent? The Emperor has been slain.

Maximus: [to Proximo] He killed the man who set you free.

Maximus: Roma Ignis

Commodus: What am I going to do with you? You simply won't... die. Are we so different, you and I? You take life when you have to... as I do.
Maximus: I have only one more life to take. Then it is done.
Commodus: Then take it now.
[Maximus pauses, then turns around and walks away]
Commodus: They tell me your son...
[Maximus stops]
Commodus: ...squealed like a girl when they nailed him to the cross. And your wife... moaned like a whore when they ravaged her again and again... and again.
Maximus: The time for honoring yourself will soon be at an end.
[Bows head]
Maximus: Highness.

Gracchus: And after your glorious coup, what then? You take your five thousand and... leave?
Maximus: Yes, I will leave. The soldiers will stay here for your protection, under the guidance of the Senate.
Gracchus: So, after Rome's all yours, you just give it back to the people. Tell me why.
Maximus: Because that was a dying man's last wish. I will kill Commodus. The fate of Rome, I leave to you.
Gracchus: Marcus Aurelius trusted you. His daughter trusts you. I will trust you. Give me two days, and I will purchase your freedom. And you, stay alive, or I'll be dead.

Marcus Aurelius: Tell me again, Maximus, why are we here?
Maximus: For the glory of the Empire, sire.

[Maximus is about to ride out with the cavalry to fight the barbarians]
Quintus: Soldier! I told you to move those catapults forward. They're out of range.
Maximus: Range is good.
Quintus: The danger to the cavalry...
Maximus: Is acceptable. Agreed?

[to his men before a battle]
Maximus: Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so.

[during the fight with Maximus, Commodus loses his sword]
Commodus: Quintus, sword!
[Quintus does nothing]
Commodus: Give me your sword!
[Quintus does nothing]
Commodus: [to his guards] Sword, give me a sword!
[the guards unsheathe their swords]
Quintus: Sheathe your swords! Sheathe your swords!
[the guards sheathe their swords]

Maximus: Quintus, look at me. Look at me! Promise me that you'll look after my family.
Quintus: Your family will meet you in the afterlife.

[Lucilla tries to convince Maximus to conspire with Senator Gracchus]
Lucilla: This man wants what you want.
Maximus: Then have *him* kill Commodus!

Proximo: I know that you are a man of your word, General. I know that you would die for honor, for Rome, for the memory of your ancestors. But as for me? I'm an entertainer.

Maximus: Do you remember what it was to have trust, Proximo?
Proximo: [unfamiliarly] Trust?

Maximus: [laughing] You knew Marcus Aurelius?
Proximo: [very quickly and defensively] I didn't say I knew him, I said he touched me on the shoulder once!

Maximus: [the negotiator is riding headless towards the army] They say, "No."

Commodus: It's a dream, a frightful dream... life is...

[last lines]
Maximus: Lucius is safe.