Цитаты из фильмов
Собрание цитат из наиболее популярных фильмов. Самые известные цитаты.
Sherlock Holmes: You've never complained about my methods before.
Dr. John Watson: I've never complained! When have I ever complained about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, your experiments on my dog, or the fact that you steal my clothes?
[
from trailer]
Sherlock Holmes: [
as Irene attacks him] Be a lady...
[
Irene knees him in the crotch]
[
From trailer]
[
Holmes is handcuffed to the bed naked with only a pillow covering him. A maid walks in and screams]
Sherlock Holmes: Madame, I need you to remain calm and trust me, I'm a professional. Beneath this pillow lies the key to my release.
[
the maid screams again and runs away]
Dr. John Watson: [
from trailer] Holmes, does your depravity know no bounds?
Sherlock Holmes: No.
[
from trailer]
Dr. John Watson: [
to Holmes as he guzzles a liquid] You do know what you are drinking is meant for eye surgery?
Inspector Lestrade: In another life, Mr. Holmes, you would have made a great criminal.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, and you, sir, a great police officer.
Sherlock Holmes: the game's afoot
Sherlock Holmes: [
Outlining his step-by-step strategy for defeating a bare-fist boxing opponent in his head, after said opponent has spat at him] First, distract target.
[
In slow-motion, Holmes throws Irene Adler's handkerchief into his opponent's face]
Sherlock Holmes: Then block his blind jab. Counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate.
[
Holmes slams his hands into both sides of his opponent's head]
Sherlock Holmes: Dazed, he'll attempt wild haymaker.
[
Holmes deflects his opponent's attempted punch]
Sherlock Holmes: Weaken right jaw. Then fracture. Break cracked ribs. Heel kick to diaphragm.
[
Holmes kicks his opponent through the doors of the ring]
Sherlock Holmes: . Summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery six weeks. Full psychological recovery six months. Ability to spit at back of head neutralized.
[
the action returns to the fight, which progresses in exactly the fashion Holmes outlined]
Sherlock Holmes: [
Holmes is staring at a jar of flies intently, picking at his violin] Consider this, Watson. I play chromatics...
[
plays a chromatic scale, the flies ignore him]
Sherlock Holmes: and nothing. However, if I play a sixth chord...
[
he changes chords, the flies start flying in circles]
Sherlock Holmes: they flies in counterclockwise concentric circles. I have created order out of chaos with music.
Dr. John Watson: [
amazed] How did you know to do that?
Sherlock Holmes: Trial and error, Watson. I've been at it for six hours!
Dr. John Watson: And what happens when I do this?
[
he opens the jar and waves the flies away]
[
after receiving a heavy punch]
Sherlock Holmes: [
in French] A moment, please.
Dredger: [
in French, affably] I'm in no hurry.
[
first lines]
Sherlock Holmes: [
voice-over] First point of attack, right ear. Two, throat, to muffle his scream. Three, cracked ribs. Four, sweep under right knee. In summary: neutralized. Chance of recovery: small.
Dredger: [
in French] Run, little rabbit, run.
Irene Adler: Why are you always so suspicious?
Sherlock Holmes: Should I answer chronologically or alphabetically?
Dr. John Watson: Get that out of my face.
Sherlock Holmes: Its not in your face, its in my hand.
Dr. John Watson: Then get what's in your hand out of my face.
Irene Adler: Ugh,they've been flirting like this for hours.
Sherlock Holmes: You have the grand gift of silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion.
Sherlock Holmes: [
to Watson] Never theorize before you have data. Invariably, you end up twisting facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.
Sherlock Holmes: It's a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!
Sherlock Holmes: [
after quickly determining where he is] That leaves only the mystery of why you even bothered to blindfold me in the first place.
Sherlock Holmes: Un instant s'il vous plaît.
[
Holmes is brought, handcuffed, before the Home Secretary, Lord Coward. In private, Lestrade reveals that he is a member of the same secret society as Lord Coward]
Sherlock Holmes: Well, that solves the mystery of how you were promoted to Inspector.
Inspector Lestrade: Excuse me, my lord.
[
Lestrade turns and punches Holmes in the stomach]
Inspector Lestrade: Your pardon, my lord. I've been wanting to do that for a long time.
Dr. John Watson: [
as he's choking a thug] Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
[
in a bare-knuckle boxing match, Holmes sees Irene and tries to forfeit and leave]
Sherlock Holmes: You've won, congratulations.
Big Man: I'm not done yet!
[
He spits at the back of Holmes's head. Holmes stops]
Sherlock Holmes: [
voice-over] This must register on an emotional level...
[
in slow motion]
Sherlock Holmes: First, distract target...
[
Holmes flicks a handerchief in front of his opponent's face]
Sherlock Holmes: Then block his blind jab...
[
Holmes does]
Sherlock Holmes: Counter with cross to left cheek...
[
Holmes does]
Sherlock Holmes: Discombobulate...
[
Holmes claps his hands over his opponent's ears]
Sherlock Holmes: Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Weaken right jaw...
[
Holmes blocks the haymaker and cracks his opponent's jaw with his elbow]
Sherlock Holmes: Now fracture...
[
a cross to the jaw fractures the bone]
Sherlock Holmes: Break cracked ribs...
[
a body blow cracks his ribs]
Sherlock Holmes: Heel kick to diaphragm...
[
Holmes finishes with a heel kick to his opponent's chest, sending him crashing out of the cage]
Sherlock Holmes: In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm haemmorraging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized.
[
Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then does all of the foregoing in about six seconds, and knocks his opponent out of the cage]
Sherlock Holmes: It's a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not.
Sherlock Holmes: [
after fighter has spit at the back of his head] This mustn't register on an emotional level. First, Distract target. Then block his blind jab. Counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate. Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Weaken right jaw. Now fracture. Break cracked ribs. Heel kick to diaphragm. In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, 3 ribs cracked, 4 broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery - 6 weeks. Full psychological recovery - 6 months. Capacity to spit at back of head... neutralized.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Jack, I fear you have burdened me with a debt I can never fully repay.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Nonsense! Name a shrub after me. Something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: A shrub? Nonsense! I shall name a new species of tortoise after you: Testudo Aubreii!
[
last lines]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Well, Stephen... the bird's flightless?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Yes.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: It's not going anywhere.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: They're exhausted. These men are exhausted. You've pushed them too hard.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Stephen, I invite you to this cabin as my friend. Not to criticise nor to comment on my command.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Well, shall I leave you until you're in a more harmonious frame of mind.
[
he stands and is about to leave]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: What would you have me do, Stephen?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [
turns back to him and knows what to say] Tip the ship's grog over the side.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Stop their grog?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Nagle was drunk when he insulted Hollom. Did you know that?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Stop 30 years of privilege and tradition. I'd rather have them three sheets to the wind than face a mutiny.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: You see I'm rather understanding of mutinies. Men pressed from their homes, confined for months aboard a wooden prison...
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I respect your right to disagree with me, but I can only afford one rebel on this ship. I hate it when you talk of the service in this way. It makes me feel so very low. You think I want to flog Nagle? A man who hacked the ropes that sent his mate to his death? Under MY orders? Do you not see? The only things that keep this wooden world together are hard work...
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Jack, the man failed to salute. There's hierarchies even in nature. There is no disdain in nature. There is no...
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Men must be governed! Often not wisely, but governed nonetheless.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: That's the excuse of every tyrant in history, from Nero to Bonaparte. I, for one, am opposed to authority. It is an egg of misery and opression.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: You've come to the wrong shop for anarchy, brother.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: England is under threat of invasion, and though we be on the far side of the world, this ship is our home. This ship *is* England.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Right lads, now, I know there's not a faint heart among you, and I know you're as anxious as I am to get into close action. But we must bring them right up beside us before we spring this trap. That will test our nerve, and discipline will count just as much as courage. The Acheron is a tough nut to crack... more than twice our guns, more than twice our numbers, and they will sell their lives dearly. Topmen, your handling of the sheets to be lubberly and un-navy like. Until the signal calls, you're to spill the wind from our sails, this will bring us almost to a complete stop. Gun crews, you must run out and tie down in double quick time. With the rear wheels removed, you've gained elevation. and without recoil, there'll be no chance for re-load, so gun captains, that gives you one shot from the lardboard battery... one shot only. You'll fire for her mainmast. Much will depend on your accuracy... however... even crippled, she will still be dangerous, like a wounded beast. Captain Howard and the marines will sweep their weather deck with swivel gun and musket fire from the tops. They'll try and even the odds for us before we board. They mean to take us as a prize.
[
all chuckling]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: And we are worth more to them undamaged. Their greed... will be their downfall. England is under threat of invasion, and though we be on the far side of the world, this ship is our home. This ship, is England. So it's every hand to his rope or gun, quick's the word and sharp's the action. After all... surprise is on our side.
Crew: Huzzah, huzzah!
[
Toasting]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: To wives and sweethearts.
Officers: To wives and sweethearts.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: May they never meet.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: This is the second time he's done this to me. There will not be a third.
[
performing brain surgery on the ship's deck]
Dr. Stephen Maturin: May I have the coin, please?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Do you want to see a guillotine in Piccadilly?
Crew: No!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Want to call that raggedy-ass Napoleon your king?
Crew: No!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: You want your children to sing the "La Marseillaise?"
Crew: NO!
[
the crew watch brain surgery performed on the ship's deck]
Able Seaman: Is them 'is brains, doctor?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: No, that's just dried blood. THOSE are his brains.
[
the crew oohs and aahs]
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Mr Blakeney, it would appear that you have the makings of a naturalist.
Blakeney: Well, sir, perhaps I could combine them to be a sort of... fighting naturalist, like you, sir.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: They don't combine too well, I find. Right...
[
about to get up even though he's still recovering from injury]
Blakeney: Should you really be getting up, sir?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Mr Blakeney, are you also a doctor?
Blakeney: No, sir.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: No, you're not.
[
gets up]
Joseph Nagle, Carpenter's Mate: Captain's not called Lucky Jack for no reason.
Calamy, Midshipman: Sir?
[
everyone looks to Calamy as he addresses Aubrey]
Calamy, Midshipman: Excuse me, sir, but Mr. Blankeney said that you served under Lord Nelson at the Nile.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Indeed. I was a young lieutenant, not much older than you are now. And Mr.Pullings... Mr.Pullings was a snivelling midshipman,
[
Pullings laughs and smiles]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: still yearning for hearth and home.
Calamy, Midshipman: Did you meet him, sir? Can you tell me what he was like?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I have had the honour of dining with him twice. He spoke to me on both occasions. A master tactician and a man of singular vision.
1st Lt. Tom Pullings: Right. He always said in battle... ”Never mind the manoeuvres, just go straight at 'em."
Mr. Allen, Master: Some would say not a great seamen, but a great leader.
Capt. Howard, Royal Marines: He's England's only hope if old Boney intends to invade.
Mr. Allen, Master: Sir, might we press you for an anecdote?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: The first time he spoke to me... I shall never forget his words. I remember it like it was yesterday. He leaned across the table, he looked me straight in the eye, and he said "Aubrey... may I trouble you for the salt?"
[
the other men roar in laughter, Aubrey tries to contain himself]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I've always tried to say it exactly as he did ever since.
[
his mood changes]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: The second time... The second time he told me a story... about how someone offered him a boat cloak on a cold night. And he said no, he didn't need it. That he was quite warm. His zeal for his king and country kept him warm.
[
Maturin sighs]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I know it sounds absurb, and were it from another man, you'd cry out "Oh, what pitiful stuff" and dismiss it as mere enthusiasm. But with Nelson... you felt your heart glow.
[
him and Calamy share a smile]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Wouldn't you say, Mr.Pullings?
1st Lt. Tom Pullings: [
sincerely] You did indeed, sir.
[
Of the "Phantom" ship]
1st Lt. Tom Pullings: But we have no alternative... we must turn and fight! He must have been hiding in some inlet and waited until we passed!
Dr. Stephen Maturin: By comparison, the Surprise is a somewhat aged man-o-war. Am I not correct?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Would you call me an aged man-o-war, doctor? The Surprise is not old; no one would call her old. She has a bluff bow, lovely lines. She's a fine seabird: weatherly, stiff and fast... very fast, if she's well handled. No, she's not old; she's in her prime.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: [
describing his first encounter with Lord Horatio Nelson to his officers] The first time that he spoke to me... I shall never forget his words. I remember it like it was yesterday. He leaned across the table, he looked me straight in the eye, and he said, "Aubrey... may I trouble you for the salt?
[
all the officers roar with laughter; Aubrey himself is nearly in tears from laughing so hard]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I've always tried to say it exactly as he did ever since!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: For England, for home, and for the prize!
Barrett Bonden, Coxswain: [
after pulling Calamy, Midshipman, from the water] Hello! We've caught a fish!
[
first lines]
Preserved Killick, Captain's Steward: [
taking egg from chicken coop] Come on, come on. It's all right.
Nehemiah Slade, Able Seaman: Never met a dead man that bought me a drink.
Joe Plaice, Able Seaman: And I never met a live one that you bought one for, neither.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: [
HMS Surprise is being pursued by the Acheron] Run like smoke and oakum!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: [
to Midshipman Calamy on being pulled from the sea] Tell me that wasn't fun!
Blakeney: Tie your neck bands on your right upper arm to tell friend from foe.
Blakeney: [
pointing] Davies, this arm. Starboard arm.
Awkward Davies, Able Seaman: Is that the one you got or the one you don't got?
Blakeney: All right, that's enough cheek, Davies.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [
after amputating Blakeney's arm] I've never seen a braver patient.
Calamy, Midshipman: [
while viewing construction of the decoy Surprise] Excuse me, sir, but what are they building?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Your first command.
[
while being persued by the Ahceron]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: What is it with this man? Did I kill a relative of his in battle, perhaps? His boy, God forbid?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: He fights like you, Jack.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Master at arms, take that man below and clap him in irons.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [
referring to Blankeley's amputation] I'm sorry, Jack. I'm doing everything I can. I know you were close to his father.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: His father would've understood. He knew the life. His mother, however...
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Let me take a look at that brow of yours.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: What?
[
finally realizes he's bleeding, sits down on the steps to get cleaned up]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Damn, he was good. Just came out of nowhere. Hit us with a full broadside, cut across our tail and took out our rudder. Damn fine gunnery. We only slipped away because of the fog. Quite fortunate, really. He may have had the weather gauge, but we had the weather gods.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: I have no idea what precisely it is you're talking about, but he did seem to come off rather well.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Seven weeks sailing, and he happens in darkness on our exact position.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Hm. Well, the French have their spies in England and elsewhere. As do we.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Indeed. If he knew we were looking for him, he could have stood to sea and passed well clear.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Well then, perhaps he was looking for us.
Faster Doudle, Able Seaman: [
as he examines the Galapagos through his telescope] I can't see any women. Just ducks and lizards.
Nehemiah Slade, Able Seaman: [
he snatches the telescope to see for himself] What, no women? It ain't natural.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Jack, have you forgotten your promise?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Subject to the requirements of the service. I cannot delay for the sake of an iguana or a giant peccary. Fascinating, no doubt, but of no immediate application.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: There is, I think, an opportunity here to serve both our purposes. As I understand it, this is a long, thin island. You need to sail around it. I could walk across it.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I have known you to spend hours staring into a deserted bird's nest.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: I could walk briskly, pausing only for important measurements. Making discoveries that could advance our knowledge of natural history.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: If wind and tide had been against us, I should have said yes. They're not. I'm obliged to say no.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Oh, I see. So after all this time in your service, I must simply content myself to form part of this belligerent expedition, hurry past wonders, bent on destruction. I say nothing of the corruption of power...
Capt. Jack Aubrey: You forget yourself, Doctor.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: No, Jack, no. You've forgotten yourself. For my part, I look upon a promise as binding.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: The promise was conditional. I command a king's ship, not a private yacht! WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR DAMNED HOBBIES, SIR!
Preserved Killick, Captain's Steward: [
hearing Aubrey and Maturin warming up for their music session] Ugh, here we go again. Scrape, scrape, scrape!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: [
examining some sheet music on the floor below deck in the Acheron. A French sailor, whom Aubrey thought was dead, suddenly leaps at him. Aubrey stops the sailors' dagger just in time. Aubrey puts his cutlass to the sailors' head. Asks suspiciously] Le Capitaine?
[
the Captain?]
French sailor: [
strained] L'infirmerie.
[
the infirmary]
[
Dinner in the officers' mess. The captain is inebriated, but asks apparently seriously]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Do you see those two weevils doctor?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: I do.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Which would you choose?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [
sighs annoyed] Neither; there is not a scrap a difference between them. They are the same species of Curculio.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there was no other response...
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [
Exasperated] Well then if you are going to *push* me...
[
the doctor studies the weevils briefly]
Dr. Stephen Maturin: ...I would choose the right hand weevil; it has... significant advantage in both length and breadth.
[
the captain thumps his fist in the table]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: There, I have you! Your completely dished! Do you not know that in the service...
[
pauses]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: ...one must always choose the lesser of two weevils.
[
the officers burst out in laughter]
[
Charlie comes back to the room to see Frank putting on his uniform]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: You're back too fast. You didn't get my cigars, did you? Get outta here, Charlie.
[
loads the .45]
Charlie Simms: I thought we had a deal.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I welched. I'm a welcher. Didn't I tell you?
Charlie Simms: No, what you told me was, that you gave me all the bullets.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I lied.
Charlie Simms: Yeah, well you could've fooled me.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: And I did.
[
pause]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Charlie, how you ever gonna survive in this world without me?
Charlie Simms: Colonel, why don't you just give me the gun, all right?
[
Frank picks up the gun and points it at Charlie]
Charlie Simms: What are you doing?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I'm gonna shoot you, too. Your life's finished anyway. Your friend George is gonna sing like a canary. And so are you. And once you've sung, Charlie, my boy, you're gonna take your place on that long, grey line of American manhood. And then you will be through.
Charlie Simms: I'd hate to disagree with you, Colonel.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: You're in no position to disagree with me, boy. I got a loaded .45 here. You got pimples. I'm gonna kill you, Charlie, cause I can't bear the thought of you SELLIN' OUT!
Charlie Simms: [
now firm] Put the gun down, all right, Colonel?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: What? You givin' me an ultimatum?
Charlie Simms: No, I'm...
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I give the ultimatums!
Charlie Simms: I'm sorry. All right I'm sorry.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: It's all right, Charlie. You break my heart, son. All my life I've stood up to everyone and everything, because it made me feel *important*. You do it... because you mean it. You've got integrity, Charlie. I don't know whether to shoot you or adopt ya.
Charlie Simms: Not much of a choice, is it, sir?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Oh, don't get cute now.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Are you blind? Are you blind?
Charlie Simms: Of course not.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Then why do you keep grabbing my goddamn arm? I take your arm.
Charlie Simms: I'm sorry.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Don't be sorry. How would you know? You've been watching MTV all your life.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [
at Charlie's disciplinary hearing] This is such a croc of shit!
Mr. Trask: Mr. Slade, you are in the Baird School. Not a barracks.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [
Randy brings Frank a glass of whiskey] Thank you Randy. You still with Snowqueen Sugar?
Randy: Snowflake. How come you always get that wrong?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Because it's not important for me to get it right.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Ooh, but I still smell her.
[
inhales deeply through nose]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [
shouting] I'm in the dark, here!
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I asked you a question. Do you want me to adopt ya or don't ya?
Charlie Simms: Please? I mean, you're just in a slump right now.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Slump? No slump Charlie. I'm bad. I'm not bad no. I'm rotten.
Charlie Simms: You're not bad. You're just in pain.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: What do you know about pain? hmm? You little snail darter from the pacific northwest. What the fuck you know about pain?
Charlie Simms: Let me have the gun Colonel.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [
Frank cocks the .45] No time to grow a dick son.
Charlie Simms: Just give me the gun all right Colonel?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [
Charlie begins to move towards Frank] I'm talking a parade ground. Ten-hut!
[
Charlie stops moving then begins again]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Soldier. That was a direct order.
Charlie Simms: Give me the gun?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: You can stay or you can leave. You understand? Either way I'm gonna do this thing. Now why don't you leave and spare yourself?
Charlie Simms: I want your gun Colonel.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I'm gonna give myself a count. You need a count for balance. Five, four, three, two, one. Fuck it.
[
He raises the gun to his head and Charlie lunges for it. They struggle with it across the room]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Gimmie it. Fuck it!
[
He gets the gun away from Charlie and points it at him]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Get outta here!
Charlie Simms: I'm staying right here!
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Get outta here!
Charlie Simms: I'm staying right here
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I'll blow your fuckin' head off.
Charlie Simms: Then do it. You wanna do it? Do it. Let's go
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [
Frank pulls the hammer on the gun back] Fuck! Get outta here!
Charlie Simms: So you fucked up all right? So what? So everybody does it. Get on with your life would ya?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [
screaming] What life? I got no life! I'm in the dark here. You understand? I'm in the dark!
Charlie Simms: So give up. You wanna give up? Give up 'cause I'm giving giving up too. You said I'm through you're right I *am* through. It's all over. So let's get on with it. Let's fuckin' do it! Fuckin' pull the trigger you miserable blind motherfucker. Pull the trigger.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Here we go Charlie.
Charlie Simms: I'm ready.
[
repeated line]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Whoo-ah.
Randy: You want to know the truth?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: You got a handle on that, do you, Randy?
Randy: He was an asshole before.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Whoo-ah!
Randy: Now all he is is a blind asshole.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Whoo-ah.
Randy: Hey, God's a funny guy.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: God doth have a sense of humor.
Randy: Maybe God thinks some people don't deserve to see.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Whoo-ah. Hah!
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [
Frank plans to kill himself and Charlie as well but hesitates] You don't wanna die.
Charlie Simms: Neither do you.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Give me one good reason not to.
Charlie Simms: I'll give you two. You can dance the tango and drive a Ferrari better than anyone I've ever seen.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: You never seen anyone do either.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Well, gentlemen, when the shit hits the fan, some guys run and some guys stay.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Oh, uh, Charlie - about your little problem - there are two kinds of people in this world: those who stand up and face the music, and those who run for cover. Cover is better.
[
Slade knew her face cleanser, by scent]
Donna: Ah, that's amazing.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Well, I'm in the amazing business.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: It's a great day for singing a song / It's a great day for moving along / It's a great day for morning to night / It's a great day for everybody's plight.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: When in doubt... fuck.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: The day we stop lookin', Charlie, is the day we die.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Don't shrug, imbecile. I'm blind. Save your body language for the bimbi.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Out of order, I show you out of order. You don't know what out of order is, Mr. Trask. I'd show you, but I'm too old, I'm too tired, I'm too fuckin' blind. If I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a FLAMETHROWER to this place! Out of order? Who the hell do you think you're talkin' to? I've been around, you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen. Boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sending this splendid foot soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are... executin' his soul! And why? Because he's not a Bairdman. Bairdmen. You hurt this boy, you're gonna be Baird bums, the lot of ya. And Harry, Jimmy, Trent, wherever you are out there, FUCK YOU TOO!
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Tickets. Money. Speech. Old Washington joke... from my days with Lyndon.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Just call me Frank. Call me Mr. Slade. Call me... Colonel, if you must. Just don't call me "Sir."
Charlie Simms: All right, Colonel.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: You sharpshootin' me, punk? Is that what you're doin'? Don't you sharpshoot me! You'll give me forty. Then you're gonna give me forty more. Then you're gonna pull K.P., the grease pit! I'll rub your NOSE in enlisted men's CRUD till you don't know WHICH END IS UP! YOU UNDERSTAND?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Your father pedals car telephones at a 300 percent markup. Your mother works on heavy commission at a camera store. Graduated to it from espresso machines. Hah!
[
pause]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: What are you, dying of some wasting disease?
Charlie Simms: No, I'm right - I'm right here.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I know exactly where your body is. What I'm looking for is some indication of a brain. Too much football without a helmet? Hah! Lyndon's line on Gerry Ford. Deputy debriefer, Paris, peace talks, '68. Snagged a silver star and a silver bar. Threw me into G-2.
Charlie Simms: G-2?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Intelligence. Of which you have none.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Can't believe they're my blood. I.Q. of sloths and the manners of banshees. He's a mechanic, she's a homemaker. He knows as much about cars as a beauty queen, and she bakes cookies, taste like wing nuts. As for the tots, they're twits.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: I don't know if Charlie's silence here today is right or wrong; I'm not a judge or jury. But I can tell you this: he won't sell anybody out to buy his future!
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Haven't you heard? Conscience is dead.
Charlie Simms: No, I haven't heard.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Well, then, take the fuckin' wax outta your ears! Grow up! It's fuck your buddy, cheat on your wife, call your mother on Mother's Day! Charlie, it's all shit.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Uh-oh, we got a moron here.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: How's your skin, son?
Charlie Simms: My skin, sir?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Oh, for Christ's sake.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Touch me again, I'll kill ya, you little son-of-a-bitch! I touch you. Understand?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Clear them little bottles off. And when I get off the phone here, call up Hyman and tell him I want it wall to wall with John Daniels.
Charlie Simms: Don't you mean Jack Daniels?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: He may be Jack to you son, but when you've known him as long as I have... that's a joke.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Oh, where do I go from here, Charlie?
Charlie Simms: If you're tangled up, just tango on.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: You askin' me to dance, Charlie?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: You've been the sugar business for so long, you've forgetten the taste of real honey!
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Then, I'm going to lie down on my big beautiful bed, and blow my brains out.
Charlie Simms: Did I hear you right, colonel? You said you're going to kill yourself?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: No. I said I'm going to blow my brains out.
[
Headmaster Trask drives into the Baird School driveway in his brand-new Jaguar. He gets out, to hear a voice on a loudspeaker]
Jimmy Jameson: [
on loudspeaker, but unidentified] Mister Trask is our fearless leader.
[
students hear this and gather, looking on at Trask]
Jimmy Jameson: A man of learning, a voracious reader. He can recite "The Iliad" in ancient Greek, while fishing for trout in a rippling creek.
Trent Potter: [
Trask grins slightly, trying to figure out where the voice is coming from] Endowed with wisdom, of judgement sound, nevertheless about him, the questions abound.
[
We now see the same three Baird guys who set up this prank the night before; Harry opens the valve to an oxygen tank connected to a large balloon on a lamppost as Trent passes the microphone to him]
Harry Havemeyer: How does Mister Trask make such wonderful deals? Why did the trustees buy him Jaguar wheels? He wasn't conniving, he wasn't crass... he merely puckered his lips... and kissed their ass!
[
balloon spins around to reveal a cartoon bearing the words being spoken; the students laugh and mock Trask]
Harry Havemeyer: [
Trask pulls out his car keys and opens the Jaguar door, then jumps up to try to pop the balloon with the key. He misses on the first try. On the second try, he succeeds, and a flood of white paint splashes down onto him and all over the car. The students applaud loudly and shout obscenities at him as this catastrophe concludes with Trask kicking the car door closed and attempting to dry his face with handkerchief]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [
Lt. Col. Frank Slade is speaking in defense of Charlie Simms at meeting at the Baird School] Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard. Now here's Charlie. He's come to the cross-roads. He has chosen a path. It's the right path. It's a path made of principle that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: How's your skin, son? I like my aides to be presentable.
Charlie Simms: Well, I - I've had a few zits. Um, but my roommate, he lent me his Clinique because he's from...
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: "The History of My Skin", by Charles Simms.
Randy: [
Frank and Charlie have arrived unexpected at Frank's brother's house for Thanksgiving. Randy opens the door and the smile on his face disappears] Yes?
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Yes! Who is this?
Randy: It's Randy.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Randy? You new?
Randy: I'm your nephew.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Hah! Here I am. Your sister's been hoarding me long enough. Tught it's time to spread the riches around.
Gail: [
Comes around the door] Uncle Frank.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Gloria.
Gail: [
upset at having to correct him] Gail.
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Of course.
[
enters into the house]
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Say "hello" to the potluck party from New York City. Good ol' Uncle Frank and this here with him is Charlie Simms, star halfback of the Baird School football team. They not only beat Exeter and Grotin this year, but Aquinas High School too.
