Ace: There's someone on the wing! Some... THING! I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Ace: You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in northern Africa, and upon your return you more than likely took a nasty spill because of some... shotty masonry work.
Vincent Cadby: Very impressive... might I ask, how?
Ace: Surely... The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of 3 to 5 feet, the small reminisce of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason beam, the culprit, your new watch, a quality forgery of a cartieah was most likely purchased through the north African black market known to reside in Gotan.
[Ace gasps for air]
Vincent Cadby: And my work habits?
Ace: Yes, a workaholic, the urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a single shake man, far to busy for a follow up jiggle.
Airplane Stewardess: Peanut?
Ace: Yes, I have one right here. It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on.
Airplane Stewardess: Peanut.
Ace: Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears!
[yodels]
Ace: I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YOU!
Ace: It is the mucus that binds us.
Ace: Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger.
[spying, sitting in a mechanical rhino]
Ace: Pretty hot in these rhinos...
[Ace is chasing the villain with a monster truck]
Ace: Nobody wants to play with me!
Ace: Guano bowls! Collect the whole set...
Ace: [the Tiny Warrior shrieks in Wachutu] What did he just say?
Fulton Greenwall: I *think* he said, she's not a virgin.
Ace: [pause] They can *tell* that?
[Wachootoo Chief exposes his rotten teeth while screaming at Ace]
Ace: You know, gingivitis is the number one cause of all tooth decay.
Ace: Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious. And the pottery is lovely.
Ouda: It's made from guano.
Ace: Guano! Why's that sounding so familiar?
[Ace starts licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]
Fulton Greenwall: Bat droppings.
[Ace drops the bowl, spitting the remains of the paste and wiping off his tongue]
Fulton Greenwall: Guano is their main raw material, they're using it to made a lot of things in the village.
Ace: Yummie!
Ace: Just what sort of bat are we talking about?
Fulton Greenwall: The Great White Bat, of course.
Ace: Corpus Kilochiroptera?
Fulton Greenwall: Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka.
[the Wachati chief and his son bow upon hearing the name]
Ace: Shikaka...
[they bow again]
Ace: Shikaka!
[they bow again]
Ace: Shikasha!
[they begin to bow, but stop]
Ace: Ohhh! Shishkebab.
[they almost bow]
Ace: Shawshank Redemption.
[they almost bow]
Ace: ShicaaaaGO!
[the chief bows]
Ace: You're outta there! Go on, I gotcha, you're out.
[the confused chief exits the hut]
Fulton Greenwall: Ace, the Wachutus are a blood-thirsty, savage tribe. If they catch you, they will show no mercy!
Ace: Worry not, my brother. For I will be as a fly on the wall - a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent... *thing*.
Ace: Where iz zhe bat?
Ace: Take that, you winged spawn of Satan!
Fulton Greenwall: Bumbawe Atuna... Bumbawe Atuna...
Ace: Hi there. Nice to see ya. Bumblebee tuna. Bumblebee tuna!
[quickly turns to face one of the natives]
Ace: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective! How are you this afternoon? Alrighty Then!
[turns to another]
Ace: Excuse me, your balls are showing.
[thumbs-up]
Ace: Bumblebee tuna.
Ace: [smiling nervously] Well, everything here seems good! Big load off my mind, aw God. You can speculate all you want, but unless you check it out for yourself, you never know!
[face quickly turns serious]
Ace: We should head back now.
Fulton Greenwall: Don't you think you should investigate?
Ace: There's no reason to go in there. Ever. I sense it as a holy man.
Fulton Greenwall: But I thought you said...
Ace: It's DARK! I could fall into a precipice!
Ouda: [hands him a torch] Here! Take this
Ace: Spank you, Helpy Helperton.
Ace: Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Go for it!... Flick it, QUICK!
[Greenwall does nothing]
Ace: Allrighty, then! Shall we go to jail?
[clicks teeth at Cadby]
Ace: Of course. How sssselfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do.
Ace: Can you feel it, Captain Compost?
Ace: That's a lovely wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could buy you some fluffy new slippers, made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!
The Monopoly Guy: Who is this ghastly man?
Ace: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And YOU must be the Monopoly guy! Hey.
[whispering]
Ace: Thanks for the free parking.
Pompous woman: Another ACTIVIST, McGuire.
The Monopoly Guy: Activist, yes
[snobby laugh]
Ace: [imitating him] activist, yes, mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!
Pompous woman: Mr. Ventura, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime.
Ace: Alrighty then!
[smacks man in the face which knocks him unconscious, drapes him over his shoulders and begins to sing and dance exotically]
Ace: [shakes man] Do not pass go! Do not collect $200!
[hands back man to pompous woman]
Ace: It's lovely, but I fancy myself in autumn!
[with Greenwall at top of a huge set of stairs leading to a temple]
Ace: I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...
[close-up of slinky going down temple stairs]
Ace: Isn't this incredible? IT'S GONNA BE SOME KIND OF A RECORD! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go!
[runs down to see Slinky stopped on second last step]
Ace: Awww man! Can you believe it. It was right there!
Ace: If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use *your* body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!
Vincent Cadby: [Ace moans and howls upon entering a room sporting numerous stuffed animal heads] Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?
Ace: Of course not. This is a lovely room of death.
Ace: [holding a skunk, imitating Tony Montana in Scarface] Say hello to my STINKY little friend!
[lifts the skunk's tail]
Ace: Cadby, from the consulate, right? This is weird!
Ace: That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! And that explains the abrasion on your palm! Let me run that back for you.
[backs up]
Ace: Malp ruoy no noisarba eht snialpxe taht dna eohs ruoy no saw tahw staht ni deppils uoy tahw staht.
[starts moving forward again]
Ace: That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM!
Fulton Greenwall: Well done, Ace! You must be very proud!
Ace: Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.
Fulton Greenwall: My name is Fulton Greenwall, and I am looking for an Ace Ventura.
Ashram Monk: No man here carries with him a label.
Fulton Greenwall: Oh yes, no names. How silly of me. Well, um, he's an American.
Ashram Monk: We are all children of the same life force.
Fulton Greenwall: Yes of course we are.
[thinks]
Fulton Greenwall: He bends over and speaks from his rear.
Ashram Monk: Oh him. Right this way...
Ace: [parking] Like a glove!
Ace: [spying on the Wachutu tribe through a bush] "Wunderbar!", he exclaimed with great relish.
[Ace is going at top speed towards the parking lot]
Fulton Greenwall: Perhaps we should slow down just a teensy-weensy bit?
Ace: Nonsense, Poopy-Pants!
Fulton Greenwall: We can pay you handsomely.
Ace: I am now a child of light. Your earthly money holds no appeal to me.
Fulton Greenwall: Twenty thousand dollars.
Ace: Re-he-he-eally? No. I cannot. For I am sorely needed... here, at the ashram.
Ashram Monk: If I may interject! We're short of space, and it's important for you to use your talents. Let me help you pack.
Ace: But I am yet to attain omnipresent supergalactic oneness.
Ashram Monk: No. Wait. THERE it is!
[smiles]
Ashram Monk: You've just attained it.
Ace: I have?
Ashram Monk: Yes! Just now! You are one! I can see it in your eyes. You're more one than anyone!
Ace: What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?
Ashram Monk: Take mine!
Ace: This took you eighty years to achieve!
Ashram Monk: That's okay. I don't like it anymore. Really.
Ace: In the light of this great personal sacrifice you've made, I have no choice... but to take the case.
Ashram Monk: Great! I'll go tell the others!
Ace: Master... break it to them gently.
Ace: [cut to Ace and Greenwall exiting the temple through the celebrating, drinking, and some stripped monks] I've never seen them like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.
Ace: Fe Fi Fo Fum! I smell... the fingerprints of scum!
Ace: [while being arrested by Hitu] Hey! What are you? H. R. Shove 'n Stuff?
Ashram Monk: What answer do you seek?
Ace: I need to know what the Wachatis possess that is of great value to civilized man.
Ashram Monk: The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you?
Ace: Medallion? Why surely! I left it back, er, with my body.
Ashram Monk: Your aura is weakening...
Ace: OKAY! I threw it in the cave! What do you want from me? What are you, Mr. Perfect? You wanna know where it is? It's probably lying in a big pile of
[coming to a realization, his spirit is transported back to his body]
Ace: Guano! They have Guano!
The Wachati Princess: You make me smile. And yet, I am troubled. You see, the man my father wants me to marry... I am worried I will not please him.
[moves in close to Ace]
The Wachati Princess: I have never known a man.
[they slowly touch their tongues together. Ace pulls away]
Ace: I would love to help. But you see, I have vowed to take a life of celibacy.
The Wachati Princess: Well, perhaps this will assist your decision.
[takes off her top, revealing her bare chest]
Ace: Those are very nice! But I am a child of light. A pure spirit. I am no longer encumbered by the appetites of the flesh.
Ace: I was just... practicing my mantra.
Ace: [singing] # Oh you pretty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you. And our pretty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang love us, too. Hi, ho. Everywhere we go on Chitty Chitty we depend. Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, our fine four-fendered friend. Our fine four-fendered... Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Bang Bang yeah! #
Ace: [In a comedic tone of voice, looks over to stray raccoon] Look Spike!
Ace: [after flipping the truck and landing upside down] Like... A glove!
[Hitu pulls Ace out of the truck]
Ace: Hey chief, I appreciate you meeting me here. Lets go kick some... consulate butt.
[Walks inside]
Vincent Cadby: [Ace marches in the room and slams his foot to the floor to get everyones attantion] Hello Ace, you've come for your money?
Ace: Wrong again Sweeney Todd, I've come for the sacred bat, where is it?
Vincent Cadby: [sarcasticly] Why Ace, whatever do you mean?
Ace: Guano! Hello! Does poop ring a bell.
[Reads from a book]
Ace: Guano, provides as a source of Nitrate, producing 86% of the worlds supply of fertelizer, a 1.4 billion dollar industry. Thats what this war is all about! You can't legally posession of the cave because the Wachati inhabit the area, and you want that dukie so bad you can taste it.
Fulton Greenwall: Wait, but I thought that...
Vincent Cadby: [Interupts Greenwall] Thank you... Thats a fine Theory Mr. Ventura. What's that got to do with me?
Ace: I thought you'd never ask,
[inhales a large amount of air for his rant]
Ace: The day I met you I say a white substance on your shoe that I mistook for plaster and yesterday I saw the same substance outside the hut where the bat was kept and suddenly it hit me the great white bat has great white guano. THAT'S WHAT YOU SLIPED IN, THAT'S WHAT WAS ON YOUR SHOE, AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABBRASION ON YOUR PALM! Let me run that back for you.
Ace: [Runs the words backwards, trying to keep them in the same order] THAT'S WHAT YOU SLIPPED IN, THAT'S WHAT WAS ON YOUR SHOE, AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASSION... ON... YOUR... PALM! DAMN I'M GOOD. Can you feel that buddy? huh?
[makes the usual humping motion in celebration]
Ace: Can you feel it? captain compost. The day of redemption, is at hand.
[spins around and points at Cadby]
Ace: Repent... and thou shalt be saved.
Vincent Cadby: Very good Mr. Ventura. Very good, I believe you've solved the case.
Ace: One thing I still don't understand Mr. Bellvadeer. If you are the scum behind this little flim flam, why, WHY, Did you hire me?
Vincent Cadby: I believe there is going to be a horrendous investigation after the war, you were my aliby to prove I did everything I could to stop it.
Ace: Arrest him. ARREST HIM!
[looks to Hitu]
Ace: Please arrest him. Simon say arrest him?
Vincent Cadby: [Gahjii walks in with Mick and holds up a cage with the bat in it and Ace shudders in disgust] I thought you were a lover of all animals Mr. Ventura?
Ace: [Mocking Cadby] I through you were a lover of all animals Mr. Ventura?
Gahjii: Shall I stick him on the wall?
Vincent Cadby: [laughs] Oh no, Gahjii. Mr. Ventura here has cleverly stolen the sacred bat of the Wachati, unfortunatly we were unable to recover it in time to stop the war.
Ace: [rolls on the floor] GREENWALL HIT THE LIGHTS!
[rolls again]
Ace: THE SWITCH ON THE WALL BESIDE YOU, GO FOR IT!
[spins around, crawling on the floor making a lot of noise, then looks up back at Greenwall]
Ace: FLICK IT QUICK!
Ace: [stands up really fast] Alrighty then... shall we go to jail?
[walks to the door passing by Hitu, looks at him and pretends to bite at his nose]
Ace: [the Wachati Princess is dancing mere inches from Ace] They are a temple of the reproductive organs.
Ace: [to Greenwall] Do you have a dollar?
Ouda: [Ace has been hit in both legs by spears] Are your legs sore? Do you want me to carry you?
Ace: That's alright, I have an incredibly high threshold for pain
Ace: [is hit in the butt by dart] *Holy Monkey!*
