Walt Kowalski: Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me.
Walt Kowalski: Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."
Walt Kowalski: Jesus, Joseph and Mary. These Hmong broads are like badgers.
Walt Kowalski: [sneering and aiming his gun] Get off my lawn!
Thao Vang Lor: Excuse me Sir, I need a haircut if you ain't too busy you old Italian son of a bitch prick barber. Boy, does my ass hurt from all of the guys at my construction job.
Walt Kowalski: [to Su] Get me another beer, Dragon Lady! This one's running on empty.
Walt Kowalski: Relax, Zipperhead.
Barber Martin: There. You finally look like a human being again. You shouldn't wait so long between hair cuts, you cheap son of a bitch.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah. I'm surprised you're still around. I was always hoping you'd die off and they got someone in here that knew what the hell they were doing. Instead, you're just hanging around like the doo-wop dago you are.
Barber Martin: That'll be ten bucks, Walt.
Walt Kowalski: Ten bucks? Jesus Christ, Marty. What are you, half Jew or somethin'? You keep raising the damn prices all the time.
Barber Martin: It's been ten bucks for the last five years, you hard-nosed Polack son of a bitch.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, well keep the change.
Barber Martin: See you in three weeks, prick.
Walt Kowalski: Not if I see you first, dipshit.
Youa: You're funny.
Walt Kowalski: I've been called a lot of things, but never funny.
Walt Kowalski: I once fixed a door that wasn't even broken yet.
Thao Vang Lor: What was it like to kill someone?
Walt Kowalski: You don't want to know.
Walt Kowalski: [about Korea] We shot men, stabbed them with bayonets, chopped up 17 year olds with shovels.
Father Janovich: Why didn't you call the police?
Walt Kowalski: Well you know, I prayed for them to come but nobody answered.
Walt Kowalski: How many swamp rats can you get in one room?
Thug: How old are you anyway?
Sue Lor: Mentally, I'm way too old for you.
Mitch Kowalski: What would I want?
Walt Kowalski: I don't know... Your wife's already gone through all of your mother's jewelry.
Walt Kowalski: I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.
Walt Kowalski: I used to stack fucks likes you five feet high in Korea... use ya for sand bags.
Barber Martin: That'll be 10 bucks, Walt.
Walt Kowalski: Jesus, what are you, half Jew?
Sue Lor: There's a ton of food.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, well just keep your hands off my dog.
Sue Lor: No worries, we only eat cats.
Walt Kowalski: Would it kill you to buy American?
Sue Lor: The Lutherans brought us over.
Walt Kowalski: Everybody blames the Lutherans.
Walt Kowalski: What the hell does everybody want with my Gran Torino?
Ashley Kowalski: [clearly uninterested] Grandpa Walt, you want me to help you with that, the chairs?
Walt Kowalski: No, you probably just painted your nails.
Walt Kowalski: [about his son] I worked in Ford for 50 years and he sells Japanese cars.
Walt Kowalski: Take these three items, some WD-40, a vise grip, and a roll of duct tape. Any man worth his salt can fix almost any problem with this stuff alone.
Smokie: Are you fucking crazy? Go back in the house.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah? I blow a hole in your face and then I go in the house... and I sleep like a baby. You can count on that. We used to stack fucks like you five feet high in Korea... use ya for sandbags.
Walt Kowalski: [aims gun at thug] Shut your fuckin' face!
[walking over to some black thugs]
Walt Kowalski: What are you spooks up to?
Walt Kowalski: I'm no hero. I was just trying to get that babbling gook off my lawn!
Josh Kowalski: [making the sign of the cross] Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.
Walt Kowalski: I confess that I have no desire to confess.
Father Janovich: I know you're close to these people, but this pisses me off, Mr. Kowalski.
Walt Kowalski: Where's Dr. Feldman, my regular doctor?
Dr. Chang: Dr. Feldman retired three years ago, I'm his replacement, Dr. Chu.
Sue Lor: Oh great, another asshole with an Asian girl fetish. God, this is getting so old.
Thao Vang Lor: [Walt's smoking] You should quit. Those things are bad for you.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah? So's being in a gang.
Thao Vang Lor: They were going to take me away. They're pissed because I blew my first initiation.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, you're a real pussy for wanting to hang out with that gang. What was your initiation anyway?
[Thao gestures at the car]
Walt Kowalski: My Gran Torino?
Walt Kowalski: You know, Thao and Sue are never going to find peace in this world as long as that gang's around.
Walt Kowalski: [about Thao] I don't care about him.
Sue Lor: You hang out with him, you teach him to fix things, you saved him from that fucked cousin of ours.
Walt Kowalski: Watch your language, lady.
Sue Lor: And you're a better man to him than our own father was. You're a good man.
Sue Lor: Kind of ironic, isn't it?
Walt Kowalski: What is?
Sue Lor: Thao washing your car after he tried to steal it.
Walt Kowalski: And if he misses a spot, he has to do it all over again.
Walt Kowalski: [to Father Janovich] The thing that haunts a guy is the stuff he wasn't ordered to do.
Father Janovich: What are you gonna do, Walt?
Walt Kowalski: Whatever it is, they won't have a chance.
Father Janovich: What can I do for you Walt?
Walt Kowalski: I'm here for confession.
Father Janovich: Holy Jesus, what did you do?
Walt Kowalski: Relax, zipperhead. I'm not gonna shoot you. I'd look down too, if I was you. You know, I knew you were a dipshit the first time I ever saw you. Then I thought you were worse with women than stealing cars... Toad.
Thao Vang Lor: It's Thao.
Walt Kowalski: What?
Thao Vang Lor: It's not Toad, my name is Thao.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, well, you were blowing it with that girl who was there. Not that I give two shits about a toad like you.
Thao Vang Lor: You don't know what you're talking about.
Walt Kowalski: You're wrong, eggroll, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down. But you, you know, you're letting Click-Clack, Ding-Dong and Charlie Chan just walk out with Miss What's-her-face. She likes you, you know? Though I don't know why!
Thao Vang Lor: Who?
Walt Kowalski: Yum Yum. You know, the girl in the purple sweater. She's been looking at you all day, stupid!
Thao Vang Lor: You mean Youa?
Walt Kowalski: Yeah... Yum Yum... yeah... nice girl... nice girl, very charming girl... I talked with her... yeah. But you, you just let her walk out right out with the Three Stooges. And you know why? 'Cause you're a big fat pussy. Well, I gotta go. Good day, pussycake.
Walt Kowalski: [to Father Janovich] I think you're an overeducated 27-year-old virgin who likes to hold the hands of superstitious old ladies and promise them everlasting life.
Walt Kowalski: [reading aloud from the newspaper] Your birthday today, Daisy. This year you have to make a choice between two life paths. Second chances comes your way. Extraordinary events culminate in what might seem to be an anticlimax. Your lucky numbers are 84, 23, 11, 78, and 99. What a load of shit.
Walt Kowalski: Now you just gotta learn how guys talk. You just listen to the way Martin and I banter it back and forth. You OK? You're ready?
Thao Vang Lor: Sir!
Walt Kowalski: Alright let's go in...
Barber Martin: Perfect! A Polak and AND a Chink!
Walt Kowalski: How ya doing Martin, you crazy Italian prick?
Barber Martin: Walts! You cheap bastard! I should have known you'd come in, I was having such a pleasant day!
Walt Kowalski: What'd you do? You ruse some poor blind guy out of his money? Gave him the wrong change?
Barber Martin: Who's the Nip?
Walt Kowalski: Ohh... He's a pussy kid from next door. I'm trying to man him up a little bit... You see kid, now that's how guys talk to one another.
Thao Vang Lor: They do?
Barber Martin: What, you got shit on your ribs?
Walt Kowalski: Now you go out and come back in and talk to him like a man, like a REAL man. Come on! Get your ass outta here! Come on back now.
[to Martin]
Walt Kowalski: Sorry about this.
Thao Vang Lor: What's up ya old Italian prick?
Barber Martin: [pointing rifle at Thao] Get out of my shop before I blow your head off, you goddamn dick sucker! Go!
Walt Kowalski: Jezus Christ, Holy Shit! Hehe. Take it easy, take it easy!
[to Thao]
Walt Kowalski: What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
Thao Vang Lor: But that's what you said. That's what you said men say.
Walt Kowalski: You don't just come in and insult the man in his own shop! You just don't do that. What happens if you meet some stranger? You get the wrong one, he's gonna blow your gook head right off!
Thao Vang Lor: What should I have said then?
Barber Martin: Well... why don't you start with... eeehm... Hi or Hello...
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, just come in and say... eeeehm... Sir, I'd like a haircut if you have the time.
Barber Martin: Yeah, be polite, but don't kiss ass.
Walt Kowalski: In fact you could talk about a construction job you just came from and bitch about your girlfriend and your car.
Barber Martin: eeeehm... Son of a bitch, I just got my brakes fixed and eeehmm those son of bitches really nailed me, I mean they screwed me right in the ass!
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, don't swear AT the guy, just talk about people who are not in the room... eeeh... you could talk about your boss... eeeh... making you work extra time when there is bowling night.
Barber Martin: Right, or... eeeh... my old lady bitches for two goddamn hours about how... eeeeh... they don't take expired coupons at the grocery stores. And the minute I turn on the fucking game, she starts crying how we never talk!
Walt Kowalski: [Walt is trying to "man" up Thao] Now go out and talk to him, and it ain't rocket science for Christ's sake.
Thao Vang Lor: Yeah, but I don't have a job, a car, or a girlfriend.
Barber Martin: Jesus. I shoulda blown his head off when I had the chance.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah. Maybe so.
[last lines]
Lawyer: [reading from Walt's will] And I'd like to leave my 1972 Gran Torino to...
[the lawyer pauses and looks up at Ashley, who smiles expectantly]
Lawyer: ...my friend... Thao Vang Lor. On the condition that you don't chop-top the roof like one of those beaners, don't paint any idiotic flames on it like some white trash hillbilly, and don't put a big, gay spoiler on the rear end like you see on all the other zipperheads' cars. It just looks like hell. If you can refrain from doing any of that... it's yours.
Father Janovich: [eulogizing Walt] Walt Kowalski once said to me that I knew nothing about life or death, because I was an over-educated, 27-year-old virgin who held the hand of superstitious old women and promised them eternity.
[the congregation chuckles politely and somberly]
Father Janovich: Walt definitely had no problem calling it like he saw it. But he was right. I knew really nothing about life or death, until I got to know Walt... and boy, did I learn.
Walt Kowalski: Get your ofay paddy ass on down the road.
[first lines]
Al: God, I am sorry for Dorothy, Walt. She was a real peach.
Walt Kowalski: Thanks for coming, Al.
Walt Kowalski: [Walt has just gotten Thao a job from his Irish friend] Come on, Zipperhead. We'll leave the mick here to play with himself.
Walt Kowalski: You got your whole life ahead of you, but for me, I finish things.
Walt Kowalski: [Looking at the elderly Hmong woman next door] The old hag hates my guts!
Walt Kowalski: [to Thao] Have some respect, zipperhead. We're in mourning here.
Father Janovich: Go in peace.
Walt Kowalski: Oh, I am at peace.
Father Janovich: What is this thing called life?
Sue Lor: All the people in this house are very traditional. Number one: never touch a Hmong person on the head. Not even a child. The Hmong people believe that the soul resides on the head, so don't do that.
Walt Kowalski: Well... Sounds dumb, but fine.
Sue Lor: Yeah, and a lot of Hmong people consider looking someone in the eye to be very rude! That's why they look away when you look at them.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah. Anything else?
Sue Lor: Yeah... some Hmong people tend to smile or grin, when they're yelled at. It's a cultural thing, it expresses embarrassment or insecurity. It's not that they're laughing at you or anything.
Walt Kowalski: Right, you people are nuts.
