Цитаты из фильмов
Собрание цитат из наиболее популярных фильмов. Самые известные цитаты.
Ace: Meeting with sinister types much? A not too much, a much too much.
Ace: There's someone on the wing! Some... THING! I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Ace: You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in northern Africa, and upon your return you more than likely took a nasty spill because of some... shotty masonry work.
Vincent Cadby: Very impressive... might I ask, how?
Ace: Surely... The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of 3 to 5 feet, the small reminisce of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason beam, the culprit, your new watch, a quality forgery of a cartieah was most likely purchased through the north African black market known to reside in Gotan.
[
Ace gasps for air]
Vincent Cadby: And my work habits?
Ace: Yes, a workaholic, the urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a single shake man, far to busy for a follow up jiggle.
Airplane Stewardess: Peanut?
Ace: Yes, I have one right here. It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on.
Airplane Stewardess: Peanut.
Ace: Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears!
[
yodels]
Ace: I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YOU!
Ace: It is the mucus that binds us.
Ace: Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger.
[
spying, sitting in a mechanical rhino]
Ace: Pretty hot in these rhinos...
[
Ace is chasing the villain with a monster truck]
Ace: Nobody wants to play with me!
Ace: Guano bowls! Collect the whole set...
Ace: [
the Tiny Warrior shrieks in Wachutu] What did he just say?
Fulton Greenwall: I *think* he said, she's not a virgin.
Ace: [
pause] They can *tell* that?
[
Wachootoo Chief exposes his rotten teeth while screaming at Ace]
Ace: You know, gingivitis is the number one cause of all tooth decay.
Ace: Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious. And the pottery is lovely.
Ouda: It's made from guano.
Ace: Guano! Why's that sounding so familiar?
[
Ace starts licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]
Fulton Greenwall: Bat droppings.
[
Ace drops the bowl, spitting the remains of the paste and wiping off his tongue]
Fulton Greenwall: Guano is their main raw material, they're using it to made a lot of things in the village.
Ace: Yummie!
Ace: Just what sort of bat are we talking about?
Fulton Greenwall: The Great White Bat, of course.
Ace: Corpus Kilochiroptera?
Fulton Greenwall: Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka.
[
the Wachati chief and his son bow upon hearing the name]
Ace: Shikaka...
[
they bow again]
Ace: Shikaka!
[
they bow again]
Ace: Shikasha!
[
they begin to bow, but stop]
Ace: Ohhh! Shishkebab.
[
they almost bow]
Ace: Shawshank Redemption.
[
they almost bow]
Ace: ShicaaaaGO!
[
the chief bows]
Ace: You're outta there! Go on, I gotcha, you're out.
[
the confused chief exits the hut]
Fulton Greenwall: Ace, the Wachutus are a blood-thirsty, savage tribe. If they catch you, they will show no mercy!
Ace: Worry not, my brother. For I will be as a fly on the wall - a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent... *thing*.
Ace: Where iz zhe bat?
Ace: Take that, you winged spawn of Satan!
Fulton Greenwall: Bumbawe Atuna... Bumbawe Atuna...
Ace: Hi there. Nice to see ya. Bumblebee tuna. Bumblebee tuna!
[
quickly turns to face one of the natives]
Ace: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective! How are you this afternoon? Alrighty Then!
[
turns to another]
Ace: Excuse me, your balls are showing.
[
thumbs-up]
Ace: Bumblebee tuna.
Ace: [
smiling nervously] Well, everything here seems good! Big load off my mind, aw God. You can speculate all you want, but unless you check it out for yourself, you never know!
[
face quickly turns serious]
Ace: We should head back now.
Fulton Greenwall: Don't you think you should investigate?
Ace: There's no reason to go in there. Ever. I sense it as a holy man.
Fulton Greenwall: But I thought you said...
Ace: It's DARK! I could fall into a precipice!
Ouda: [
hands him a torch] Here! Take this
Ace: Spank you, Helpy Helperton.
Ace: Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Go for it!... Flick it, QUICK!
[
Greenwall does nothing]
Ace: Allrighty, then! Shall we go to jail?
[
clicks teeth at Cadby]
Ace: Of course. How sssselfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do.
Ace: Can you feel it, Captain Compost?
Ace: That's a lovely wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could buy you some fluffy new slippers, made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!
The Monopoly Guy: Who is this ghastly man?
Ace: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And YOU must be the Monopoly guy! Hey.
[
whispering]
Ace: Thanks for the free parking.
Pompous woman: Another ACTIVIST, McGuire.
The Monopoly Guy: Activist, yes
[
snobby laugh]
Ace: [
imitating him] activist, yes, mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!
Pompous woman: Mr. Ventura, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime.
Ace: Alrighty then!
[
smacks man in the face which knocks him unconscious, drapes him over his shoulders and begins to sing and dance exotically]
Ace: [
shakes man] Do not pass go! Do not collect $200!
[
hands back man to pompous woman]
Ace: It's lovely, but I fancy myself in autumn!
[
with Greenwall at top of a huge set of stairs leading to a temple]
Ace: I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...
[
close-up of slinky going down temple stairs]
Ace: Isn't this incredible? IT'S GONNA BE SOME KIND OF A RECORD! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go!
[
runs down to see Slinky stopped on second last step]
Ace: Awww man! Can you believe it. It was right there!
Ace: If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use *your* body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!
Vincent Cadby: [
Ace moans and howls upon entering a room sporting numerous stuffed animal heads] Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?
Ace: Of course not. This is a lovely room of death.
Ace: [
holding a skunk, imitating Tony Montana in Scarface] Say hello to my STINKY little friend!
[
lifts the skunk's tail]
Ace: Cadby, from the consulate, right? This is weird!
Ace: That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! And that explains the abrasion on your palm! Let me run that back for you.
[
backs up]
Ace: Malp ruoy no noisarba eht snialpxe taht dna eohs ruoy no saw tahw staht ni deppils uoy tahw staht.
[
starts moving forward again]
Ace: That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM!
Fulton Greenwall: Well done, Ace! You must be very proud!
Ace: Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.
Fulton Greenwall: My name is Fulton Greenwall, and I am looking for an Ace Ventura.
Ashram Monk: No man here carries with him a label.
Fulton Greenwall: Oh yes, no names. How silly of me. Well, um, he's an American.
Ashram Monk: We are all children of the same life force.
Fulton Greenwall: Yes of course we are.
[
thinks]
Fulton Greenwall: He bends over and speaks from his rear.
Ashram Monk: Oh him. Right this way...
Ace: [
parking] Like a glove!
Ace: [
spying on the Wachutu tribe through a bush] "Wunderbar!", he exclaimed with great relish.
[
Ace is going at top speed towards the parking lot]
Fulton Greenwall: Perhaps we should slow down just a teensy-weensy bit?
Ace: Nonsense, Poopy-Pants!
Fulton Greenwall: We can pay you handsomely.
Ace: I am now a child of light. Your earthly money holds no appeal to me.
Fulton Greenwall: Twenty thousand dollars.
Ace: Re-he-he-eally? No. I cannot. For I am sorely needed... here, at the ashram.
Ashram Monk: If I may interject! We're short of space, and it's important for you to use your talents. Let me help you pack.
Ace: But I am yet to attain omnipresent supergalactic oneness.
Ashram Monk: No. Wait. THERE it is!
[
smiles]
Ashram Monk: You've just attained it.
Ace: I have?
Ashram Monk: Yes! Just now! You are one! I can see it in your eyes. You're more one than anyone!
Ace: What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?
Ashram Monk: Take mine!
Ace: This took you eighty years to achieve!
Ashram Monk: That's okay. I don't like it anymore. Really.
Ace: In the light of this great personal sacrifice you've made, I have no choice... but to take the case.
Ashram Monk: Great! I'll go tell the others!
Ace: Master... break it to them gently.
Ace: [
cut to Ace and Greenwall exiting the temple through the celebrating, drinking, and some stripped monks] I've never seen them like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.
Ace: Fe Fi Fo Fum! I smell... the fingerprints of scum!
Ace: [
while being arrested by Hitu] Hey! What are you? H. R. Shove 'n Stuff?
Ashram Monk: What answer do you seek?
Ace: I need to know what the Wachatis possess that is of great value to civilized man.
Ashram Monk: The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you?
Ace: Medallion? Why surely! I left it back, er, with my body.
Ashram Monk: Your aura is weakening...
Ace: OKAY! I threw it in the cave! What do you want from me? What are you, Mr. Perfect? You wanna know where it is? It's probably lying in a big pile of
[
coming to a realization, his spirit is transported back to his body]
Ace: Guano! They have Guano!
The Wachati Princess: You make me smile. And yet, I am troubled. You see, the man my father wants me to marry... I am worried I will not please him.
[
moves in close to Ace]
The Wachati Princess: I have never known a man.
[
they slowly touch their tongues together. Ace pulls away]
Ace: I would love to help. But you see, I have vowed to take a life of celibacy.
The Wachati Princess: Well, perhaps this will assist your decision.
[
takes off her top, revealing her bare chest]
Ace: Those are very nice! But I am a child of light. A pure spirit. I am no longer encumbered by the appetites of the flesh.
Ace: I was just... practicing my mantra.
Ace: [
singing] # Oh you pretty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you. And our pretty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang love us, too. Hi, ho. Everywhere we go on Chitty Chitty we depend. Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, our fine four-fendered friend. Our fine four-fendered... Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Bang Bang yeah! #
Ace: [
In a comedic tone of voice, looks over to stray raccoon] Look Spike!
Ace: [
after flipping the truck and landing upside down] Like... A glove!
[
Hitu pulls Ace out of the truck]
Ace: Hey chief, I appreciate you meeting me here. Lets go kick some... consulate butt.
[
Walks inside]
Vincent Cadby: [
Ace marches in the room and slams his foot to the floor to get everyones attantion] Hello Ace, you've come for your money?
Ace: Wrong again Sweeney Todd, I've come for the sacred bat, where is it?
Vincent Cadby: [
sarcasticly] Why Ace, whatever do you mean?
Ace: Guano! Hello! Does poop ring a bell.
[
Reads from a book]
Ace: Guano, provides as a source of Nitrate, producing 86% of the worlds supply of fertelizer, a 1.4 billion dollar industry. Thats what this war is all about! You can't legally posession of the cave because the Wachati inhabit the area, and you want that dukie so bad you can taste it.
Fulton Greenwall: Wait, but I thought that...
Vincent Cadby: [
Interupts Greenwall] Thank you... Thats a fine Theory Mr. Ventura. What's that got to do with me?
Ace: I thought you'd never ask,
[
inhales a large amount of air for his rant]
Ace: The day I met you I say a white substance on your shoe that I mistook for plaster and yesterday I saw the same substance outside the hut where the bat was kept and suddenly it hit me the great white bat has great white guano. THAT'S WHAT YOU SLIPED IN, THAT'S WHAT WAS ON YOUR SHOE, AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABBRASION ON YOUR PALM! Let me run that back for you.
Ace: [
Runs the words backwards, trying to keep them in the same order] THAT'S WHAT YOU SLIPPED IN, THAT'S WHAT WAS ON YOUR SHOE, AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASSION... ON... YOUR... PALM! DAMN I'M GOOD. Can you feel that buddy? huh?
[
makes the usual humping motion in celebration]
Ace: Can you feel it? captain compost. The day of redemption, is at hand.
[
spins around and points at Cadby]
Ace: Repent... and thou shalt be saved.
Vincent Cadby: Very good Mr. Ventura. Very good, I believe you've solved the case.
Ace: One thing I still don't understand Mr. Bellvadeer. If you are the scum behind this little flim flam, why, WHY, Did you hire me?
Vincent Cadby: I believe there is going to be a horrendous investigation after the war, you were my aliby to prove I did everything I could to stop it.
Ace: Arrest him. ARREST HIM!
[
looks to Hitu]
Ace: Please arrest him. Simon say arrest him?
Vincent Cadby: [
Gahjii walks in with Mick and holds up a cage with the bat in it and Ace shudders in disgust] I thought you were a lover of all animals Mr. Ventura?
Ace: [
Mocking Cadby] I through you were a lover of all animals Mr. Ventura?
Gahjii: Shall I stick him on the wall?
Vincent Cadby: [
laughs] Oh no, Gahjii. Mr. Ventura here has cleverly stolen the sacred bat of the Wachati, unfortunatly we were unable to recover it in time to stop the war.
Ace: [
rolls on the floor] GREENWALL HIT THE LIGHTS!
[
rolls again]
Ace: THE SWITCH ON THE WALL BESIDE YOU, GO FOR IT!
[
spins around, crawling on the floor making a lot of noise, then looks up back at Greenwall]
Ace: FLICK IT QUICK!
Ace: [
stands up really fast] Alrighty then... shall we go to jail?
[
walks to the door passing by Hitu, looks at him and pretends to bite at his nose]
Ace: [
the Wachati Princess is dancing mere inches from Ace] They are a temple of the reproductive organs.
Ace: [
to Greenwall] Do you have a dollar?
Ouda: [
Ace has been hit in both legs by spears] Are your legs sore? Do you want me to carry you?
Ace: That's alright, I have an incredibly high threshold for pain
Ace: [
is hit in the butt by dart] *Holy Monkey!*
Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
Ace Ventura: Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace Ventura: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.
Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.
Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Man: [
aggressively] What do you want?
Ace Ventura: HDS, sir, and how are you this afternoon? All righty, then. I have a package for you.
Man: Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura: Most likely, sir. I'll bet it was something nice, though.
Ace Ventura: Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom.
[
whispering loudly]
Ace Ventura: I think it's the pâté.
Ronald Camp: Sure, right over there.
Ace Ventura: Thanks! Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?
Ronald Camp: I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace.
Ace Ventura: See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.
[
Aguado stomps on a cockroach to provoke Ventura]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife.
[
Ace Ventura is trying to get his car started, while looking at somebody smashing it with a bat in his mirror]
Ace Ventura: Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.
[
Ace Ventura just got his car started]
Ace Ventura: It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE.
Lois Einhorn: Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.
Ace Ventura: I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belonged to a 1984 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking mental institute escapee. I saw the guy's room. Cozy if you're Hannibal Lecter!
Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
Ace Ventura: Oh yeah? And you're ugly.
Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.
Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.
Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[
a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head]
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[
Ace sucks in a huge breath of air]
Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American.
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace Ventura: No sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland.
Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.
[
Ventura knocks on the door]
Woodstock: What's the password?
Ace Ventura: New England clam chowder.
Woodstock: Is that the red or the white?
Ace Ventura: Ah, I can never remember that. White.
[
door opens]
Ace Ventura: Yes.
Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa.
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura...
[
coughs in Ace's face]
Mr. Shickadance: ... you owe me rent.
Ace Ventura: Mr. Shickadance, I told you - you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out.
[
shows him a flyer]
Ace Ventura: That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin' scratchin' around.
Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah? What's all this pet food for?
Ace Ventura: Fiber.
Melissa: Ace, Where are you?
Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.
[
Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]
Ace Ventura: [
begging] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him, he's the one you want.
Dan Marino: No, no kill him.
Ace Ventura: No kill him. He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy.
[
Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]
Dan Marino: Cry-baby.
Ace Ventura: Jock.
Dan Marino: Whimp.
Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.
Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP.
Ace Ventura: [
as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER.
Ace Ventura: [
with a German accent] How can I be getting zis vork done wit all de shouting? Control de shouting?
Reporter: Who's That?
Ace Ventura: Heinz Getwellvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me.
Reporter: What happened to the other trainer?
Ace Ventura: Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am wit Siegfried.
[
he holds up only four fingers]
Ace Ventura: Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming wit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm gone.
Reporter: [
skeptically] Where is Snowflake?
Ace Ventura: Why do you care about Snowflake? Do you know him? Does he call you at home?
[
shouts]
Ace Ventura: Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin's head. I am saying to Snowflake, "Akay!... Akay Akay Akay?" und he is saying "AKay Akay!" und he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" und you can quote him!
[
Ace spits]
Roger Podacter: Alright, it's almost time for Coach Shula's press confrence, uh, lets let Heinz do his work?
Ace Ventura: [
shooing reporters] Go to de conference, go to it.
Ace Ventura: This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[
mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie]
Ace Ventura: I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.
[
Ace Ventura, bending over and talking from his behind]
Ace Ventura: Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Binaca?
Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.
Ace Ventura: [
bending over and talking from his behind] Excuse me. I'd like to "ass" you a few questions.
Emilio: Ace, this is not the time. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.
Ace Ventura: [
to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
[
Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Ace Ventura: No problem, it gets flooded, we'll just wait a few seconds.
[
suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the back windshield with a baseball bat]
Ace Ventura: Or we could try it now.
Ace Ventura: WOW., Ray Finkle's house, I can't wait to meet him
Mr. Finkle: Ray ain't coming home
Ace Ventura: But your wife said you expect him home any minute
Mr. Finkle: She expects him home any minute, see the engine's running but there's nobody behind the wheel. Eight years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa, and they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
Ace Ventura: [
has just finished 'singing' for Cannibal Corpse] I gotta go guys! I gotta date with your mothers!
Melissa: I swear if you do anything to embarass me this evening...
Ace Ventura: What? Like this?
[
makes wierd noises,Doorman answers the door]
Ace Ventura: Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!
Mr. Shickadance: [
comes from behind Ace] Ventura.
Ace Ventura: Yes Satan.
[
turns around and sees Mr. Shickadance]
Ace Ventura: Ohh, I thought you were someone else.
Ace Ventura: [
has been trying to figure out a connection between Lt. Lois Einhorn and football player Ray Finkle, when he sees his dog's fur overlapping Finkle's hair in a photo] What the... That's it! Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man!
[
Ace remembers how Einhorn kissed him and the pieces fall into place]
Ace Ventura: Oh, my GOD! Einhorn is a man!
[
Ace heads to the bathroom to throw up]
Ronald Camp: Who is he, a friend?
Melissa: No, this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Ronald Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?"
Melissa: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Ace Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ronald Camp: [
nervously] Very, very well, thank you.
[
Ace is standing in front of Lois who's in her underwear]
Ace Ventura: My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!
[
turns Lois around to reveal a bulge in her nether regions]
Ace Ventura: *That's* why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!
[
all the men in the vicinity start throwing up because Einhorn has kissed them]
Melissa: Ace?
Ace Ventura: [
holds the phone away from his mouth and waits a second] Thought I left, didn't ya?
Melissa: [
laughs]
Ace Ventura: Ok, I'm really gonna go this time.
Melissa: [
in her office, she is showing Ace a video of the halftime routine performed by their missing mascot, Snowflake. She sees Ace chewing on either birdseeds or sunflower seeds, and spreading the leftovers in a neat pile on her desk] Would you like an ashtray?
Ace Ventura: Hmm-mmm. I don't smoke. It's a disgusting habit.
[
coming out of the men's room, all wet with his clothes torn]
Ace Ventura: Do *not* go in there! Pheeww!
[
Melissa and Ace are reading news clippings about Ray Finkle]
Melissa: "Replacement Kicker Having a Great Year." "Ready For Super Bowl, All-Star Kicker Boasts."
Ace Ventura: "Field Goal Sails Wide. Dolphins Lose Super Bowl."
Melissa: The "Kick Heard Round The World." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.
[
Ace lets out an impressed whistle. Melissa flips to the next clipping, with a headline that reads "Finkle Contract Not Renewed."]
Melissa: Poor guy.
Ace Ventura: Poor guy with a motive, baby.
Lois Einhorn: [
after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers] Shoot him! Shoot him!
Emilio: [
offscreen] Hold your fire!
[
walks in with Melissa, gun to his head]
Emilio: Don't shoot!
Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!
[
cocks revolver]
Emilio: She's not joking!
Lois Einhorn: [
ignoring them] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was going to kill Dan Marino and meeeeee!
Ace Ventura: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up the NFL's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.
[
takes deep breath]
Ace Ventura: What you wouldn't read about was how Ray Finkle lost his mind was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino for whom he blamed the entire thing!
[
takes another deep, relief breath]
Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?
Ace Ventura: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.
Lois Einhorn: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!
[
first lines]
Ace Ventura: Heads up! Good defense! Good defense!
Riddle: [
angry] How in the hell do you loose a five hundred pound fish?
Melissa: [
wants to say something]
Riddle: What?
Melissa: I'm sorry sir, I was just going to say, that it's not a fish, it's a mammal.
Riddle: Thank you, miss Jacques Cousteau.
Lois Einhorn: And somebody get me some coffee!
Ace Ventura: Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.
Riddle: I don't give a good goddamn about that fish. Fillet it and fast food it if'ya want'to. All I give a damn about's, winning the Super Bowl. My athletes have got to have their heads in the right place. Shit, Roger, you been in this business a long time. You know how superstitious these guys are.
[
Roger hides his rabbit foot key chain]
[
mimicking Sean Connery]
Ace Ventura: Lovely party. Pity I wasn't invited.
Lois Einhorn: DIE ANIMAL BOY!
Ace Ventura: Quick Decision
Ace Ventura: Obsess much?
Melissa: You know what? I'm not even going to talk to you. Would you please leave.
Ace Ventura: Why? So you can beat him?
[
talking about Melissa's dog]
Ace Ventura: Fatty.
Melissa: You're unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.
Ace Ventura: Well, why don't you cry about it. Saddlebags.
Melissa: Ace, get out of the tank.
Ace Ventura: [
talking like Scotty from Star Trek] I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power.
Melissa: I said, get out of the tank now!
Ace Ventura: For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!
Ace Ventura: Holy shitballs.
Ace Ventura: [
to Shickadance] Why don't come to take a look inside? C'mon. C'mon!
[
he shakes his keys acting like they're stuck. The door opens. Ace enters]
Ace Ventura: Go ahead. Snoop around!
[
Mr. Shickadance enters, looks around and sniffs]
Ace Ventura: Well? Are you satisfied?
Mr. Shickadance: Just don't let me catch you with an animal here, that's all.
Ace Ventura: All right! Take care now! Bye-bye, then!
[
slams door in front of Mr. Shickadance's face]
Ace Ventura: L-oser!
[
repeated line]
Ace Ventura: LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER!
Ronald Camp: [
Ace emerges soaking wet] I'm so Sorry Mr. Ace, I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
Ace Ventura: Well I hope so, had I been drinking out of the toilet, I might have been killed.
Ace Ventura: [
a swarm of animals emerge from various hiding places] Come to me my animal friends!
[
Ace sings in a falsetto voice]
Ace Ventura: Melissa it's ace!
Melissa: Ace where are you?
Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkel's the mayor!
Ace Ventura: I'm ready to go in, coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot of riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind.
Ace Ventura: [
Hops up] I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern, super slo-mo.
[
Gestures and makes sounds of a slow-motion picture and stops]
Ace Ventura: Let's see that in an instant replay.
[
Does a reverse playback sound and gesture]
[
Melissa is pretending to be Ace's sister to check him into a mental hospital]
Doctor: Has he always had a history of mental illness?
Melissa: [
truthfully] For as long as I've known him.
[
last lines]
Announcer: The National Football League would like to extend a special thank-you to the man who rescued Dan Marino, and our beloved Snowflake...
[
a shot of Ace appears on the giant screen, beating the crap out of the mascot in the bird suit]
Announcer: ...a great humanitarian, and lover of all animals, Mr. Ace Ventura!
Ace Ventura: [
Ace executes a perfect 180-degree slide to parallel park his car] Like a glove!
Carl Hanratty: Well, would you like to hear me tell a joke?
Earl Amdursky: Yeah. Yeah, we'd love to hear a joke from you.
Carl Hanratty: Knock knock.
Earl Amdursky: Who's there?
Carl Hanratty: Go fuck yourselves.
Carl Hanratty: [
Frank is making one last attempt to run by impersonating a pilot once again. Carl catches up with him at Dulles Airport] How'd you do it, Frank? How'd you pass the bar in Louisiana?
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: [
Frank continues to walk. Carl walks several paces behind] What are you doing here?
Carl Hanratty: Listen...
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: I'm sorry I put you through all this.
Carl Hanratty: You go back to Europe, you're gonna die in Perpignan Prison. You try to run here in the States, we'll send you back to Atlanta for 50 years.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: I know that.
Carl Hanratty: I spent four years trying to arrange your release. Had to convince my bosses at the FBI and the Attorney General of the United States you wouldn't run.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Why'd you do it?
Carl Hanratty: You're just a kid.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: I'm not your kid. You said you were going to Chicago.
Carl Hanratty: My daughter can't see me this weekend. She's going skiing.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: You said she was four years old. You're lying.
Carl Hanratty: She was four when I left. Now she's 15. My wife's been remarried for 11 years. I see Grace every now and again.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: I don't understand.
Carl Hanratty: Sure you do. Sometimes, it's easier living the lie.
[
Frank stops, Carl catches up]
Carl Hanratty: I'm going to let you fly tonight, Frank. I'm not even going to try to stop you. That's because I know you'll be back on Monday.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Yeah? How do you know I'll come back?
Carl Hanratty: Frank, look. Nobody's chasing you.
Frank Abagnale Sr.: Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse.
Paula Abagnale: Just tell me how much he owes and I'll pay you back.
Carl Hanratty: So far, it's about 1.3 million dollars.
Roger Strong: Frank, would you like to say grace?
[
Long pause]
Roger Strong: Unless you're not comfortable.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Absolutely. Two little mice fell into a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned, but the second mouse, he struggled so hard that he eventually churned that cream into butter and he walked out. Amen.
[
All say: Amen]
Carol Strong: Oh, that was beautiful. The mouse, he churned that cream into butter.
Frank Abagnale Sr.: You know why the Yankees always win, Frank?
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: 'Cause they have Mickey Mantle?
Frank Abagnale Sr.: No, it's 'cause the other teams can't stop staring at those damn pinstripes.
Tom Fox: He doesn't have a passport.
Carl Hanratty: For the last six months, he's gone to Harvard and Berkeley. I'm betting he can get a passport.
Frank Abagnale Sr.: Do you know what would happen if the IRS found out I was driving around in a new coupe? I took the train here, Frank. I'm taking the train home.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: [
as Frank Conners] Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is irrefutable evidence that the defendant is, in fact, lying.
Judge: Mr. Conners, this is a preliminary hearing. There is no... defendant. There is no... jury. It's just me. Son... what in the HELL is wrong with you?
Principal Evans: Mr. and Mrs. Abagnale, this is not a question of your son's attendance. I regret to inform you that, for the past week, Frank has been teaching Mrs. Glasser's French class.
Paula Abagnale: He what?
Principal Evans: Your son has been pretending to be a substitute teacher, lecturing the students, uh, giving out homework, uh. Mrs. Glasser has been ill, there was some confusion with the real sub. Your son held a teacher-parent conference yesterday and was planning a class field trip to a French bread factory in Trenton.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: CHRIST. Terry. This is Italian knit.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Brenda, I don't want to lie to you anymore. All right? I'm not a doctor. I never went to medical school. I'm not a lawyer, or a Harvard graduate, or a Lutheran. Brenda, I ran away from home a year and a half ago when I was 16.
Brenda Strong: Frank? Frank? You're not a Lutheran?
Frank Abagnale Jr.: Ah, people only know what you tell them, Carl.
Carl Hanratty: But, sir, we're gonna let him get away.
Assistant Director Marsh: No, Carl, you let him get away.
Frank Abagnale Sr.: Where's your mother?
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: I don't know. She said something about going to look for a job.
Frank Abagnale Sr.: What's she gonna be, a shoe salesman at a centipede farm?
Frank Abagnale Sr.: She's so stubborn, your mother - Don't worry I won't let her go without a fight. - I've been fighting for her since the day we met.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Dad, out of all those men - You were the one who took her home, remember that.
Frank Abagnale Sr.: Two hundred men sitting in that tiny social hall watching her dance. What was the name of that town?
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Montrichard, dad.
Frank Abagnale Sr.: I didn't speak a word of French, six weeks later she was my wife.
Carl: I love my job!
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Stop chasing me!
Carl Hanratty: I can't stop, it's my job.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: [
In a letter] Dear Dad, you told me an honest man has no fear, so I'm trying hard not to be afraid.
[
repeated line]
Carl Hanratty: How'd you do it Frank? How did you cheat on the bar exam in Louisiana?
Earl Amdursky: [
while Carl is setting the trap for Frank at the Miami airport] Why won't he just take a taxi to New York or Atlanta?
Carl Hanratty: Because *I'm* not in New York. *I'm* not in Atlanta.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: [
when Carl catches up to him in the print shop in Montrichard] Carl? Carl! Merry Christmas! How is it we're always talking on Christmas, Carl? Every Christmas, I'm talking to you!
[
laughs]
Carl Hanratty: Put your shirt on, Frank. You're under arrest.
Frank Abagnale, Jr.: [
donning a James Bond style suit and mimicking Sean Connery in the mirror] Hello Pussy.
Assistant Director Marsh: Frank, we have the power to take you out of prison. You'd be placed in the custody of the FBI where you'd serve out the remainder of your sentence as an employee of the Federal Government.
