Capt. Jack Aubrey: Nonsense! Name a shrub after me. Something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: A shrub? Nonsense! I shall name a new species of tortoise after you: Testudo Aubreii!
[last lines]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Well, Stephen... the bird's flightless?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Yes.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: It's not going anywhere.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: They're exhausted. These men are exhausted. You've pushed them too hard.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Stephen, I invite you to this cabin as my friend. Not to criticise nor to comment on my command.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Well, shall I leave you until you're in a more harmonious frame of mind.
[he stands and is about to leave]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: What would you have me do, Stephen?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [turns back to him and knows what to say] Tip the ship's grog over the side.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Stop their grog?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Nagle was drunk when he insulted Hollom. Did you know that?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Stop 30 years of privilege and tradition. I'd rather have them three sheets to the wind than face a mutiny.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: You see I'm rather understanding of mutinies. Men pressed from their homes, confined for months aboard a wooden prison...
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I respect your right to disagree with me, but I can only afford one rebel on this ship. I hate it when you talk of the service in this way. It makes me feel so very low. You think I want to flog Nagle? A man who hacked the ropes that sent his mate to his death? Under MY orders? Do you not see? The only things that keep this wooden world together are hard work...
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Jack, the man failed to salute. There's hierarchies even in nature. There is no disdain in nature. There is no...
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Men must be governed! Often not wisely, but governed nonetheless.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: That's the excuse of every tyrant in history, from Nero to Bonaparte. I, for one, am opposed to authority. It is an egg of misery and opression.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: You've come to the wrong shop for anarchy, brother.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: England is under threat of invasion, and though we be on the far side of the world, this ship is our home. This ship *is* England.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Right lads, now, I know there's not a faint heart among you, and I know you're as anxious as I am to get into close action. But we must bring them right up beside us before we spring this trap. That will test our nerve, and discipline will count just as much as courage. The Acheron is a tough nut to crack... more than twice our guns, more than twice our numbers, and they will sell their lives dearly. Topmen, your handling of the sheets to be lubberly and un-navy like. Until the signal calls, you're to spill the wind from our sails, this will bring us almost to a complete stop. Gun crews, you must run out and tie down in double quick time. With the rear wheels removed, you've gained elevation. and without recoil, there'll be no chance for re-load, so gun captains, that gives you one shot from the lardboard battery... one shot only. You'll fire for her mainmast. Much will depend on your accuracy... however... even crippled, she will still be dangerous, like a wounded beast. Captain Howard and the marines will sweep their weather deck with swivel gun and musket fire from the tops. They'll try and even the odds for us before we board. They mean to take us as a prize.
[all chuckling]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: And we are worth more to them undamaged. Their greed... will be their downfall. England is under threat of invasion, and though we be on the far side of the world, this ship is our home. This ship, is England. So it's every hand to his rope or gun, quick's the word and sharp's the action. After all... surprise is on our side.
Crew: Huzzah, huzzah!
[Toasting]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: To wives and sweethearts.
Officers: To wives and sweethearts.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: May they never meet.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: This is the second time he's done this to me. There will not be a third.
[performing brain surgery on the ship's deck]
Dr. Stephen Maturin: May I have the coin, please?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Do you want to see a guillotine in Piccadilly?
Crew: No!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Want to call that raggedy-ass Napoleon your king?
Crew: No!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: You want your children to sing the "La Marseillaise?"
Crew: NO!
[the crew watch brain surgery performed on the ship's deck]
Able Seaman: Is them 'is brains, doctor?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: No, that's just dried blood. THOSE are his brains.
[the crew oohs and aahs]
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Mr Blakeney, it would appear that you have the makings of a naturalist.
Blakeney: Well, sir, perhaps I could combine them to be a sort of... fighting naturalist, like you, sir.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: They don't combine too well, I find. Right...
[about to get up even though he's still recovering from injury]
Blakeney: Should you really be getting up, sir?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Mr Blakeney, are you also a doctor?
Blakeney: No, sir.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: No, you're not.
[gets up]
Joseph Nagle, Carpenter's Mate: Captain's not called Lucky Jack for no reason.
Calamy, Midshipman: Sir?
[everyone looks to Calamy as he addresses Aubrey]
Calamy, Midshipman: Excuse me, sir, but Mr. Blankeney said that you served under Lord Nelson at the Nile.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Indeed. I was a young lieutenant, not much older than you are now. And Mr.Pullings... Mr.Pullings was a snivelling midshipman,
[Pullings laughs and smiles]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: still yearning for hearth and home.
Calamy, Midshipman: Did you meet him, sir? Can you tell me what he was like?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I have had the honour of dining with him twice. He spoke to me on both occasions. A master tactician and a man of singular vision.
1st Lt. Tom Pullings: Right. He always said in battle... ”Never mind the manoeuvres, just go straight at 'em."
Mr. Allen, Master: Some would say not a great seamen, but a great leader.
Capt. Howard, Royal Marines: He's England's only hope if old Boney intends to invade.
Mr. Allen, Master: Sir, might we press you for an anecdote?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: The first time he spoke to me... I shall never forget his words. I remember it like it was yesterday. He leaned across the table, he looked me straight in the eye, and he said "Aubrey... may I trouble you for the salt?"
[the other men roar in laughter, Aubrey tries to contain himself]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I've always tried to say it exactly as he did ever since.
[his mood changes]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: The second time... The second time he told me a story... about how someone offered him a boat cloak on a cold night. And he said no, he didn't need it. That he was quite warm. His zeal for his king and country kept him warm.
[Maturin sighs]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I know it sounds absurb, and were it from another man, you'd cry out "Oh, what pitiful stuff" and dismiss it as mere enthusiasm. But with Nelson... you felt your heart glow.
[him and Calamy share a smile]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Wouldn't you say, Mr.Pullings?
1st Lt. Tom Pullings: [sincerely] You did indeed, sir.
[Of the "Phantom" ship]
1st Lt. Tom Pullings: But we have no alternative... we must turn and fight! He must have been hiding in some inlet and waited until we passed!
Dr. Stephen Maturin: By comparison, the Surprise is a somewhat aged man-o-war. Am I not correct?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Would you call me an aged man-o-war, doctor? The Surprise is not old; no one would call her old. She has a bluff bow, lovely lines. She's a fine seabird: weatherly, stiff and fast... very fast, if she's well handled. No, she's not old; she's in her prime.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: [describing his first encounter with Lord Horatio Nelson to his officers] The first time that he spoke to me... I shall never forget his words. I remember it like it was yesterday. He leaned across the table, he looked me straight in the eye, and he said, "Aubrey... may I trouble you for the salt?
[all the officers roar with laughter; Aubrey himself is nearly in tears from laughing so hard]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I've always tried to say it exactly as he did ever since!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: For England, for home, and for the prize!
Barrett Bonden, Coxswain: [after pulling Calamy, Midshipman, from the water] Hello! We've caught a fish!
[first lines]
Preserved Killick, Captain's Steward: [taking egg from chicken coop] Come on, come on. It's all right.
Nehemiah Slade, Able Seaman: Never met a dead man that bought me a drink.
Joe Plaice, Able Seaman: And I never met a live one that you bought one for, neither.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: [HMS Surprise is being pursued by the Acheron] Run like smoke and oakum!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: [to Midshipman Calamy on being pulled from the sea] Tell me that wasn't fun!
Blakeney: Tie your neck bands on your right upper arm to tell friend from foe.
Blakeney: [pointing] Davies, this arm. Starboard arm.
Awkward Davies, Able Seaman: Is that the one you got or the one you don't got?
Blakeney: All right, that's enough cheek, Davies.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [after amputating Blakeney's arm] I've never seen a braver patient.
Calamy, Midshipman: [while viewing construction of the decoy Surprise] Excuse me, sir, but what are they building?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Your first command.
[while being persued by the Ahceron]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: What is it with this man? Did I kill a relative of his in battle, perhaps? His boy, God forbid?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: He fights like you, Jack.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Master at arms, take that man below and clap him in irons.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [referring to Blankeley's amputation] I'm sorry, Jack. I'm doing everything I can. I know you were close to his father.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: His father would've understood. He knew the life. His mother, however...
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Let me take a look at that brow of yours.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: What?
[finally realizes he's bleeding, sits down on the steps to get cleaned up]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Damn, he was good. Just came out of nowhere. Hit us with a full broadside, cut across our tail and took out our rudder. Damn fine gunnery. We only slipped away because of the fog. Quite fortunate, really. He may have had the weather gauge, but we had the weather gods.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: I have no idea what precisely it is you're talking about, but he did seem to come off rather well.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Seven weeks sailing, and he happens in darkness on our exact position.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Hm. Well, the French have their spies in England and elsewhere. As do we.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Indeed. If he knew we were looking for him, he could have stood to sea and passed well clear.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Well then, perhaps he was looking for us.
Faster Doudle, Able Seaman: [as he examines the Galapagos through his telescope] I can't see any women. Just ducks and lizards.
Nehemiah Slade, Able Seaman: [he snatches the telescope to see for himself] What, no women? It ain't natural.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Jack, have you forgotten your promise?
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Subject to the requirements of the service. I cannot delay for the sake of an iguana or a giant peccary. Fascinating, no doubt, but of no immediate application.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: There is, I think, an opportunity here to serve both our purposes. As I understand it, this is a long, thin island. You need to sail around it. I could walk across it.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: I have known you to spend hours staring into a deserted bird's nest.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: I could walk briskly, pausing only for important measurements. Making discoveries that could advance our knowledge of natural history.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: If wind and tide had been against us, I should have said yes. They're not. I'm obliged to say no.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: Oh, I see. So after all this time in your service, I must simply content myself to form part of this belligerent expedition, hurry past wonders, bent on destruction. I say nothing of the corruption of power...
Capt. Jack Aubrey: You forget yourself, Doctor.
Dr. Stephen Maturin: No, Jack, no. You've forgotten yourself. For my part, I look upon a promise as binding.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: The promise was conditional. I command a king's ship, not a private yacht! WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR DAMNED HOBBIES, SIR!
Preserved Killick, Captain's Steward: [hearing Aubrey and Maturin warming up for their music session] Ugh, here we go again. Scrape, scrape, scrape!
Capt. Jack Aubrey: [examining some sheet music on the floor below deck in the Acheron. A French sailor, whom Aubrey thought was dead, suddenly leaps at him. Aubrey stops the sailors' dagger just in time. Aubrey puts his cutlass to the sailors' head. Asks suspiciously] Le Capitaine?
[the Captain?]
French sailor: [strained] L'infirmerie.
[the infirmary]
[Dinner in the officers' mess. The captain is inebriated, but asks apparently seriously]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Do you see those two weevils doctor?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: I do.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: Which would you choose?
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [sighs annoyed] Neither; there is not a scrap a difference between them. They are the same species of Curculio.
Capt. Jack Aubrey: If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there was no other response...
Dr. Stephen Maturin: [Exasperated] Well then if you are going to *push* me...
[the doctor studies the weevils briefly]
Dr. Stephen Maturin: ...I would choose the right hand weevil; it has... significant advantage in both length and breadth.
[the captain thumps his fist in the table]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: There, I have you! Your completely dished! Do you not know that in the service...
[pauses]
Capt. Jack Aubrey: ...one must always choose the lesser of two weevils.
[the officers burst out in laughter]
