P.K. Highsmith: Did someone call 9-1-holy shit!
Allen Gamble: [while Hoitz is holding him at gunpoint] You won't shoot me.
Terry Hoitz: I shot Jeter!
Allen Gamble: That was an accident!
Terry Hoitz: Was it?
Allen Gamble: Gator's bitches better be using jimmies!
Allen Gamble: Oh, look! He's flying!
Fosse: Hope you like prison food... and penis.
Captain Gene Mauch: You know what, I'm going to hang onto the wooden gun.
Allen Gamble: To give me back my real gun?
Captain Gene Mauch: No. I'm going to give you this... It's a rape whistle. You blow that if you're in any trouble, and someone with an actual gun will come and help you out.
Allen Gamble: [Quietly blows the whistle]
Allen Gamble: I'm gonna break your hip.
David Ershon: Gentlemen, you have two choices: Mamma Mia or Jersey Boys.
Allen Gamble: At age 11, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
Terry Hoitz: I'm like a peacock, you gotta let me fly!
P.K. Highsmith: Ay, ay, ay! If I wanna hear you talk, I'll shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet!
Allen Gamble: Hey, I did my first desk pop!
Hazmat Officer: From bodily fluids and hair samples, we've determined that a bunch of old homeless dudes had an orgy in there.
Fosse: And remember, always try your hardest not to be black or hispanic.
Terry Hoitz: No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
Allen Gamble: OK, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean. Lions don't like water. If you placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle, you lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said 'You know what, lion tastes good, let's go get some more lion'. We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring.
Terry Hoitz: How you gonna do that?
Allen Gamble: We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get some more oxygen, and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and out-manned.
[pause]
Allen Gamble: Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.
Christopher Danson: Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Aim for the bushes.
[Both jump off the roof of 20 story building]
Allen Gamble: Apartment Pop!
Bob Littleford: Wife's makin her famous deviled eggs again, my waistline's furious.
Allen Gamble: I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
Allen Gamble: This meal is terrible... it tastes like roasted dog asshole. I asked myself, "Who would slow roast a dog's asshole and feed it to me?" You would.
Martin: [after Allen's Prius gets covered with cocaine] It looks like Scarface sneezed on your car!
Terry Hoitz: The sound of your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds feminine. If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freakin eat you!
P.K. Highsmith: You have the right to remain silent... but I want to hear you scream!
Radio Dispatch: We found your stolen Prius, it was voting for Ralph Nader.
Captain Gene Mauch: Shake your dicks, this pissing contest is over!
Terry Hoitz: What is this?
Allen Gamble: Its my car, Its a Prius.
Terry Hoitz: I feel like we're literally driving around in a vagina.
Terry Hoitz: Your farts aren't manly.
Allen Gamble: Are you serious?
Terry Hoitz: They sound like a baby blowing out birthday candles.
[being arrested by Hoitz and Gamble for the first time]
David Ershon: Is this real? Am I being Punk'd?
Bob Littleford: [chasing Gamble] You get back here and you make love to my wife!
[Gamble hits Hoitz with his wooden pistol]
Terry Hoitz: [in pain] That hurt, man!
[Hoitz and Gamble barely survive an explosion]
Allen Gamble: OW, my ears! How do you walk away from an explosion without it hurting your ears, man? I call BS on that! This is like watching Star Wars, where Luke uses the Force and escapes the Death Star without a problem, completely unrealistic!
Terry Hoitz: Don't insult Star Wars, man! That's the Holy Grail of sci-fi!
Dr. Sheila Gamble: Allen, I'm pregnant.
Allen Gamble: Whose baby is that? Who's the man who did that to you?
Captain Gene Mauch: In twenty years, that guy's never been down here before. What did you two do?
Captain Gene Mauch: Look, there's guys on top coming down on me like a ton of bricks, and I got to save what little ass I have left, all right?
Captain Gene Mauch: You know Danson and Highsmith were not good cops, right?
Terry Hoitz: Yeah. But with the way things are now, who's left?
Captain Gene Mauch: Not to be too corny about it... maybe it's you guys.
Allen Gamble: [to Sheila] I'm gonna do you, grandpa style!
Allen Gamble: Whoa, your hair's soft!
David Ershon: Thank you.
