Jack Byrnes: Are you a pothead, Focker?
Pam Byrnes: I had no idea you could milk a cat!
Greg Focker: Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes: [He reacts] I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?
[Jack's Poem]
Jack Byrnes: "My Mother", by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, / You gave me milk, / You gave me courage. / Your name was Angela, / An angel from Heaven, / But you were also an angel of God, / And he needed you, too. / I selfishly tried to hold on to you, / While the cancer ate away at your organs, / Like an unstoppable rebel force, / And now we'll meet in Heaven, / And I shall see you / Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore.
Pam Byrnes: Dad, that's beautiful.
Greg Focker: That's amazing, so much love, and also so much information.
Jack Byrnes: I mean, can you really trust another human being, Greg?
Greg Focker: Yeah, I think so.
Jack Byrnes: No. The answer is you can not.
Jack Byrnes: I'm just curious, did you pick the color of the car?
Greg Focker: Uh no, the guy at the window did, why?
Jack Byrnes: Well they say geniuses pick green.
Greg Focker: Oh.
Jack Byrnes: But you didn't pick it.
Greg Focker: I'm gonna go upstairs and pay a visit to the shower fairy.
Jack Byrnes: I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.
Jack Byrnes: Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll feel the need for this type of security.
[Greg is trying to fit his large bag into the overhead bin]
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.
Greg Focker: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg Focker: No, no, I'm not - hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg Focker: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg Focker: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No...
Greg Focker: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION.
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take...
Greg Focker: okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws *off* my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant: Sir, sir!
Greg Focker: Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
Jack Byrnes: Oh, geez. I just thought of something.
Dina Byrnes: What?
Jack Byrnes: Pam's middle name.
Dina Byrnes: Martha... Oh, no.
Jack Byrnes, Dina Byrnes: Pamela Martha Focker.
Jack Byrnes: I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.
Greg Focker: Hey Jack, why don't you tell 'em about your little phone call in Thai.
Dina Byrnes: Jack can't talk Thai.
Greg Focker: Oh no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai. Jack talked Thai real well.
Greg Focker: Oh, oh check my pulse on this one, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes.
Jack Byrnes: I understand you may have had sexual relations with my daughter before, but under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. So just keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.
Dina Byrnes: Now Greg, you have a *very* unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it?
Greg Focker: Oh, just like its spelt. F-O-C-K-E-R.
Dina Byrnes: F-Focker.
Jack Byrnes: Hmm, Focker.
Denny Byrnes: You just sniffing my boxers, man?
Greg Focker: No, dude
Bob Banks: What is that smell?
Jack Byrnes: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the septic tank overflowed.
Greg Focker: I told you, Jack, it wasn't me, it was Jinx.
Jack Byrnes: FOCKER, I'm not gonna tell you again. Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes!
Larry: The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.
Greg Focker: This handles like a dream.
Larry: Let's not make it a nightmare.
Jack Byrnes: Did you flush this toilet?
Greg Focker: Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself.
Jack Byrnes: Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it.
Greg Focker: What does it matter?
Jack Byrnes: The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem.
[in the car listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon"]
Greg Focker: Who'd have thought it wasn't about a dragon.
Jack Byrnes: Huh?
Greg Focker: Well some people think that 'to puff the magic dragon' means to... puff... smoke... a marijuana cigarette.
Jack Byrnes: Puff is just the name of the boy's magical dragon... You a pothead, Focker?
Greg Focker: No, I pass on grass always. Well not always.
Jack Byrnes: Yes or no?
Greg Focker: No, um, yes, um...
Norm: I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.
Greg Focker: I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...
Norm: You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.
Greg Focker: No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
Norm: But you said bomb.
Greg Focker: I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".
Norm: You said "Bomb" on an airplane.
Greg Focker: What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?
Norm: You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!
Greg Focker: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!
Norm: You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years!
Pam Byrnes: Greg Honey, how are you doing?
Greg Focker: Oh great, considering I desecrated your Grandma's remains, found out you were engaged, and had your Father ask me to milk him.
Jack Byrnes: Greg's in medicine too.
Bob Banks: What field?
Greg Focker: Nursing.
Bob Banks: Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?
Greg Focker: Nursing.
Greg Focker: Don't worry about your little covert op, I'll keep it on the low down.
Denny Byrnes: Down low.
Greg Focker: No doubt.
Kevin: [On who inspired him to be a wood worker] I'd have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter and I figured if you're going to follow in somebody's footsteps, why not the steps of our lord and savior?
Jack Byrnes: [Before Greg has a chance to respond] Greg's Jewish.
Kevin: Really?
Greg Focker: Yeah.
[Jack smiles and nods]
Kevin: Well so was J.C...
[Greg is sitting in the dark. Pam walks in to check on him]
Pam Byrnes: What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep?
Greg Focker: No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me.
Late Night Courier: Gaylord M. Focker?
Greg Focker: That's me.
Jack Byrnes: I thought your name was Greg.
Greg Focker: It is.
Late Night Courier: That's not what it says here.
Greg Focker: Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade.
Denny Byrnes: Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker?
Pam Byrnes: You never told me about your cat milking days in Motown.
Jack Byrnes: Jesus, Focker. It's just a game.
Jack Byrnes: You tried to milk him, didn't you you sick son of a bitch?
Greg Focker: [on the phone] Yeah, you gave me the wrong suitcase. Uh-huh. Yes, it's a black Samsonite. Uh-huh. Ok, well don't you think that the Samsonite people, in some crazy scheme in order to make a profit, MADE MORE THAN ONE BLACK SUITCASE?
Deborah Byrnes: No. We are not gonna postpone the rehearsal for some stupid cat.
Jack Byrnes: Stupid cat? How can you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you. And we're supposed to just let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?
[looking around the house]
Jack Byrnes: Denny. DENNY?
Denny Byrnes: Right here, dad.
Jack Byrnes: Okay, you're subbing for the cat today.
Denny Byrnes: Oh no, I'm not wearing that stupid pillow thing on my head.
Jack Byrnes: Oh yes you damn well will!
Greg Focker: [In the car looking for Mr. Jinx] Hey Jinx, Mew, mew, mew. Supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet, fucker.
Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg Focker: Yes. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.
Greg Focker: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of an everyone wins thing.
Greg Focker: Oh, dear God, thank you, you are such a good God to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating God, and we thank You oh sweet, sweet Lord of hosts for the smörgåsbord You have so aptly laid at our table this day, and each day, by day, day by day, by day oh dear Lord three things we pray to love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly, day, by day, by day. Amen.
Jack Byrnes: What are you guys doing in here?
Larry: Looks like rounding second base.
[last lines]
Greg Focker: You have another question? Sure, I got one question for you. It's CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT?
Greg Focker: It's beautiful... what is it?
Kevin: It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH... Chupah?
Jack Byrnes: If I set you up, do you think you can spike it, Focker?
Greg Focker: Well, I would have to get pretty high.
Jack Byrnes: I bet you would, Panama Red.
Greg Focker: [practising his speech on a patient at the hospital] Will you marry me?
Greg's Hospital Patient: Yes.
Greg Focker: Seriously, do you think that sounds good?
Greg's Hospital Patient: [flinching] No.
Greg Focker: Really, because I think that pretty much sums up everything...
Greg's Hospital Patient: [struggling] No!
Greg Focker: [looking down] Oh, sorry.
[holding up catheter]
Greg Focker: Sometimes these catheters can pinch a little bit.
Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg Focker: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack Byrnes: I think they call that the 'munchies'.
Jack Byrnes: Denny can you- what is that?
Denny Byrnes: Oh this, um, well, it's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket.
Jack Byrnes: This isn't a sculpture. It's a device people use to smoke marijiuana.
Denny Byrnes: Reeaally.
Jack Byrnes: Have you ever watched pornographic videos?
Greg Focker: No.
Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.
Jack Byrnes: [to Greg] Oh, come on. We'll have some fun.
Jack Byrnes: Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Greg Focker: [Nervously] Yes. Yes, she did.
Jack Byrnes: Well, as long as you keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger.
Pam Byrnes: Take it easy on the sarcasm. Humor is entirely wasted on my parents.
Greg Focker: What are they... Amish?
Chicago Airport Security: [regarding Greg's bag] If it ain't fittin' through the frame, you ain't carryin' it on the plane.
Pam Byrnes: I love you, Dad, but you can be a real jerk sometimes.
