Donny: Phone's ringing, Dude.
The Dude: Thank you, Donny.
The Dude: That's a great plan, Walter. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch.
The Dude: Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking johnson!
Donny: What do you need that for, Dude?
The Dude: God damn you Walter! You fuckin' asshole! Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the FUCK, has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.
The Dude: Yeah, but Walter...
Walter Sobchak: Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon... with nail polish. These fucking amateurs...
Walter Sobchak: I told those fucks down at the league office a thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!
Donny: What's Shabbos?
Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit
Walter Sobchak: Don't fucking roll! Shomer shabbos!
The Dude: Walter...
Walter Sobchak: Shomer fucking shabbos.
The Dude: Oh fuck it. I'm out of here.
Walter Sobchak: Dude, come on...
Walter Sobchak: I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death...
The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man.
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talkin' about?
The Dude: Man, you're fucking Polish Catholic...
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!
The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Walter Sobchak: And you know this!
The Dude: Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced.
Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?
The Dude: It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past.
Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax...
Walter Sobchak: You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!
Walter Sobchak: This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
The Dude: Also, my rug was stolen.
Younger Cop: The rug was in the car?
The Dude: No. It was here.
Younger Cop: Oh, separate incidents.
Maude Lebowski: Jeffrey, this is Maude Lebowski. I need to see you. I'm the one who took your rug.
Younger Cop: Well. I guess we can close the file on that one.
The Dude: These are, uh...
Brandt: Oh, those are Mr Lebowski's children, so to speak.
The Dude: Different mothers, huh?
Brandt: No.
The Dude: Racially he's pretty cool?
Brandt: [
laughs] They're not literally his children. They're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers - inner city children of promise but without the necessary means for a - necessary means for a higher education. So Mr Lebowski is committed to sending all of them to college.
The Dude: Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here, what the fuck are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: Huh? No, what the fuck are you... I'm not... We're talking about unchecked aggression here, dude.
Donny: What the fuck is he talking about?
The Dude: My rug.
Walter Sobchak: Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element!
The Dude: Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill, so what the fuck are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.
The Dude: Walter, this isn't a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy...
Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you...?
The Dude: Walter, he peed on my rug!
Donny: He peed on the Dude's rug.
Walter Sobchak: Donny you're out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!
Walter Sobchak: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
The Dude: Look, just stay away from my fucking lady friend.
Da Fino: Hey, I'm not messing with your special lady.
The Dude: She's not my special lady, she's my fucking lady friend. I'm just helping her conceive, man!
The Dude: Where's the fucking money Lebowski?
The Dude: [
repeated line by The Dude and others] That rug really tied the room together.
[
when making the payoff]
The Dude: Dude.
Nihilist: [
on the phone] Who is this?
The Dude: Dude. The bag man, man. Where do you want us to go?
Nihilist: Us?
The Dude: [
to Walter] Shit!
[
to Nihilist]
The Dude: Uh. Yeah, uh. Me and, uh, the driver. I'm not handling the money, driving the car and talking on the phone all at the same time.
Nihilist: Shut the fuck up.
Walter Sobchak: Dude, are you fucking this up?
Nihilist: Who the fuck is that?
The Dude: That is the driver.
[
Nihilist hangs up]
The Dude: Shit! Walter, you fuck... you fucked it up! You fucked it up! Her life was in our hands, man!
Walter Sobchak: Nothing is fucked here, Dude. Come on, you're being very un-Dude. They'll call back.
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.
The Dude: It's like what Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh...
Donny: I am the walrus.
The Dude: You know what I'm trying to say...
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter Sobchak: That fucking bitch...
The Dude: Oh yeah!
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
Donny: What the fuck is he talking about, Dude?
Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of.
Jesus Quintana: What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!
The Dude: Fuckin' Quintana... that creep can roll, man.
Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.
The Dude: Yeah.
Walter Sobchak: No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.
The Dude: Oh!
Walter Sobchak: When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.
Donny: What's a... pederast, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.
Jesus Quintana: You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.
The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."
The Dude: Jesus.
Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
Walter Sobchak: Eight-year-olds, Dude.
Walter Sobchak: Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling.
The Dude: Jesus, man, can you change the station?
Cab Driver: Fuck you man! You don't like my fucking music, get your own fucking cab!
The Dude: I've had a...
Cab Driver: I pull over and kick your ass out, man!
The Dude: - had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man
Walter Sobchak: You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament!
The Dude: Fuck the tournament... Fuck YOU, Walter!
Walter Sobchak: Fuck the tournament? All right, I can see you don't want to be cheered up here, Dude. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.
The Dude: Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man.
Blond Treehorn Thug: Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny.
The Dude: My... my wi-, my wife, Bunny? Do you see a wedding ring on my finger? Does this place look like I'm fucking married? The toilet seat's up, man!
Walter Sobchak: Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.
Donny: They were Nazis, Dude?
Walter Sobchak: Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration! Are we gonna split hairs here? Am I wrong?
Walter Sobchak: Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet...
The Dude: I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.
Walter Sobchak: Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.
The Dude: Walter, face it, there isn't any connection.
The Dude: Interactive erotic software. The wave of the future, Dude. One hundred percent electronic!
The Dude: Yeah well, I still jerk off manually.
Bunny Lebowski: I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.
Brandt: Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We're all, we're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.
Bunny Lebowski: Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.
Brandt: Ah haha. That's marvelous.
The Dude: Uh, I'm just gonna go find a cash machine.
Maude Lebowski: Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: 'Scuse me?
Maude Lebowski: Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
The Dude: I was talking about my rug.
Maude Lebowski: You're not interested in sex?
The Dude: You mean coitus?
Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny?
The Dude: Walter...
Donny: What?
Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude's story?
Donny: I was bowling.
Walter Sobchak: So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know...
The Dude: (interrupting) Walter, Walter, what's the point, man?
Walter Sobchak: There's no reason - here's my point, dude, there's no fucking reason why these two...
Donny: Yeah, Walter, what's your point?
The Dude: I dropped off the money exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?
The Big Lebowski: What in God's holy name are you blathering about?
The Dude: I'll tell you what I'm blathering about... I've got information man! New shit has come to light! And shit... man, she kidnapped herself. Well sure, man. Look at it... a young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that's cool... that's, that's cool, I'm, I'm saying, she needs money, man. And of course they're going to say that they didn't get it, because... she wants more, man! She's got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?
Walter Sobchak: The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.
Donny: Who's in pajamas Walter?
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.
The Dude: Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.
Walter Sobchak: Am I wrong?
The Dude: No you're not wrong.
Walter Sobchak: Am I wrong?
The Dude: You're not wrong Walter. You're just an asshole.
Walter Sobchak: Okay then.
Walter Sobchak: And look at it this way Dude, who's got a million fucking dollars in their trunk? Huh?
The Dude: Their trunk?
Walter Sobchak: Who's got a million fucking dollars in their fucking car? And whadda they got? My dirty undies... my fucking whites...
[
They walk out of the bowling alley and see the Dude's car gone]
Walter Sobchak: Dude, where is your car?
The Dude: Fuck...
Walter Sobchak: It was parked in a handicapped zone, perhaps they towed it.
The Dude: You fucking know its been stolen.
Donny: Who's got your undies Walter?
Younger Cop: And was there anything of value in the car?
The Dude: Oh, uh, yeah, uh... a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was a, uh... uh, my briefcase.
Younger Cop: In the briefcase?
The Dude: Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business papers.
Younger Cop: And what do you do, sir?
The Dude: I'm unemployed.
Walter Sobchak: Look at our current situation with that camel fucker over in Iraq. Pacifism is not something to hide behind.
Donny: They posted the next round for the tournament.
Walter Sobchak: Donny, shut the f- when do we play?
The Big Lebowski: Are you employed, sir?
The Dude: Employed?
The Big Lebowski: You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?
The Dude: Is this a... what day is this?
The Big Lebowski: Well, I do work sir, so if you don't mind...
The Dude: I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.
Walter Sobchak: Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.
The Dude: Just take it easy man.
Walter Sobchak: I'm perfectly calm Dude.
The Dude: Yeah, waving the fucking gun around?
Walter Sobchak: Calmer than you are.
The Dude: Will you just take it easy?
Walter Sobchak: Calmer than you are.
Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?
The Dude: Look, man...
Walter Sobchak: Dude, please? Is this your homework, Larry?
The Dude: Just ask him about the car.
Walter Sobchak: Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?
The Dude: Is that your car out front?
Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry?
The Dude: We know it's his fucking homework! Where's the fucking money, you little brat?
Walter Sobchak: Look, Larry. Have you ever heard of Vietnam?
The Dude: Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter...
Walter Sobchak: You're entering a world of pain, son. We know that this is your homework. We know that you stole a car.
The Dude: And the fucking money.
Walter Sobchak: And the fucking money. And, we know that this is your homework.
The Dude: We're going to cut your dick off, Larry.
Walter Sobchak: You're killing your father, Larry!
The Dude: We dropped off the damn money...
The Big Lebowski: We?
The Dude: I! The Royal "we"! You know, the editorial...
Walter Sobchak: Call the medics, Dude. I'd go myself but I'm pumping blood. Might pass out. Rest easy, good buddy, you're doing fine. We got help choppering in.
Shut the fuck up, Donny.
Walter Sobchak
[
from trailer]
Lt. Aldo Raine: Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps... and I want my scalps!
[
from trailer]
Adolf Hitler: [
slamming his hand on a table] Nein nein nein nein nein nein!
[
from trailer]
Lt. Aldo Raine: The German will be sickened by us, the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us.
Lt. Aldo Raine: My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fuckin' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?
The Basterds: YES, SIR!
Lt. Aldo Raine: That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'.
Lt. Aldo Raine: You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, Business is a-boomin'.
Col. Hans Landa: What a tremendously hostile world that a rat must endure. Yet not only does he survive, he thrives. Because our little foe has an instinct for survival and preservation second to none... And that Monsieur is what a Jew shares with a rat.
Bridget von Hammersmark: There have been two recent developments regarding Operation Kino. One, the venue has been changed from the Ritz to a much smaller venue.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Enormous changes at the last minute? That's not very "Germatic." Why the hell is Goebbels doing stuff so damn peculiar?
Bridget von Hammersmark: It probably has something to do with the second development.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Which is?
Bridget von Hammersmark: [
sits up] The Führer is attending the premiere.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [
Drawing a map] Up the road apiece, there's a orchard. Now, besides you, we know there's another kraut patrol fuckin' here somewhere. Now if that patrol were to have any crackshots, that orchard would be a goddamn sniper's delight. Now if you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kinda artillery they're carrying with 'em.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: You can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger?
Lt. Aldo Raine: Well Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect. I need to about Germans hiding in them trees, and you need to tell me, and you need to tell me. And you need to tell me right now. Now take your finger and point out on this map where this party's being held, how many's coming, and what they brought to play with.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: I respectfully refuse.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [
a smack is heard offscreen] Here that? That's Sgt. Donny Donowitz. But you might know him better by his nickname. The Bear Jew. Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you gotta have heard of the Bear Jew.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: I have heard of the Bear Jew.
Lt. Aldo Raine: What did you hear about him, Werner?
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: He beats German soldiers with a club.
Lt. Aldo Raine: He bashes their brains in with a baseball bat is what he does. Now, Werner, I'm gonna ask you one more goddamn time, and if you still "respectfully refuse," I'm callin' the Bear Jew over here, and he's gonna take that big-ole bat of his, and he's gonna beat you to death with it. Now take your wiener schnitzel lickin' finger and point out on this map what I want to know.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: Fuck you.
[
pause]
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: And your Jew dogs!
[
the Basterds all laugh]
Lt. Aldo Raine: Actually, Werner, we're all tickled to here you say that. Frankly, watchin' Donny beat Nazis to death is is the closest we ever get to goin' to the movies.
[
Calling offscreen]
Lt. Aldo Raine: DONNY!
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: [
From offscreen] Yeah?
Lt. Aldo Raine: We got a German here who wants to die for his country! Oblige him!
Col. Hans Landa: [
giddy] That's a bingo!
Lt. Aldo Raine: [
Lt. Aldo and PFC. Utivich stare at him in confusion]
Col. Hans Landa: Is that the way you say it: "That's a bingo?"
Lt. Aldo Raine: You just say "bingo".
Col. Hans Landa: Ahhh! BINGO! What fun! But, I digress. Where were we?
[
Maj. Hellstrom aims his Walther at Lt. Hicox's genitals under a table]
Major Dieter Hellstrom: That was the sound of my Walther pointed right at your testicles.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Why do you have a Luger pointed at my testicles?
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Because you've just given yourself away, Captain. You're no more German than that scotch.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Well, Major...
Bridget von Hammersmark: Major...
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Shut up, slut. You were saying?
Lt. Archie Hicox: I was saying that that makes two of us. I've had a gun pointed at your balls since you sat down.
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: That makes three of us.
[
Stiglitz takes Hellstrom by the shoulder and aggresively forces a gun against his crotch]
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: And at this range, I'm a real Frederick Zoller.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here.
Shosanna Dreyfus: [
to Fredrick] If you are so desperate for a French girlfriend, I suggest you try Vichy.
Col. Hans Landa: Now if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. If a rat were to walk in here right now as I'm talking, would you treat it to a saucer of your delicious milk?
Perrier LaPadite: Probably not.
Col. Hans Landa: I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them. All you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere *he* would hide, but there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer's brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.
Fredrick Zoller: Who wants to send a message to Germany?
Col. Hans Landa: What's that English saying about shoes and feet?
Lt. Aldo Raine: "Looks like the shoe's on the other foot." Yeah, I was just thinking that.
Lt. Aldo Raine: You see, we're in the business of killin' Nazis, and boy, business is boomin'.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: We punch those goons out, take their machine guns, and burst in there blasting!
Narrator: The reason for Hugo Stiglitz's celebrity among German soldiers is simple. As a German enlisted man, he killed thirteen Gestapo officers, mostly Majors. Instead of putting him up against a wall, the High Command decided to send him back to Berlin, to be made an example of. Needless to say, once the Basterds heard of him, he never got there.
Col. Hans Landa: May I smoke my pipe as well?
Perrier LaPadite: Please, Cononel, make yourself at home.
[
Hans pulls out a very large pipe five times the size of Perrier's]
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: Fuck a duck!
Lt. Aldo Raine: [
Aldo shoots Hans' driver Hermann, and gives Utivich a knife] Scalp Hermann.
Col. Hans Landa: Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your general for that man's life!
Lt. Aldo Raine: Yeah, they made that deal, but they don't give a fuck about him. They need you.
Col. Hans Landa: You'll be shot for this!
Lt. Aldo Raine: Nah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before.
Col. Hans Landa: [
to Shosanna] Wait for the cream...
Lt. Aldo Raine: You didn't say the goddamn rendezvous was in a fuckin' basement.
Lt. Archie Hicox: I didn't know.
Lt. Aldo Raine: You said it was in a tavern.
Lt. Archie Hicox: It is a tavern.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Yeah, in a basement. You know, fightin' in a basement offers a lot of difficulties. Number one being, you're fightin' in a basement!
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: Speaking of Frau von Hammersmark, whose idea was it for the death trap rendezvous?
Lt. Archie Hicox: She chose the spot.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: Well, isn't that just dandy.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Look, she's not a military strategist. She's just an actress.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Well, you don't got to be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't want to fight in a basement.
Francesca Mondino: Emanuelle, did you enjoy "Lucky Kids"?
Shosanna Dreyfus: I rather liked Lillian Harvey.
Joseph Goebbels: [
suddenly] Lillian Harvey! Never mention that name in my presence!
Marcel: What the fuck are we supposed to do?
Shosanna Dreyfus: It looks like we're supposed to have a Nazi premiere.
Marcel: Like I said, what the fuck are we supposed to do?
Kliest: Mein Fuhrer, do you still wish to see Private Butz?
Adolf Hitler: Who and what is a "Private Butz"?
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: Say "auf Wiedersehen" to your Nazi balls!
Marcel: What are we talking about?
Shosanna Dreyfus: Filling the cinema with Nazis and burning it to the ground.
Marcel: I'm not talking about that. You're talking about that.
Col. Hans Landa: [
to a bound and blindfolded Lt. Aldo] You are now in the hands of the SS.
[
raises hands in a dramatic manner]
Col. Hans Landa: My hands, to be exact. And they've been waiting a long time to touch you.
[
fingers reach out and poke Lt. Aldo in the face; Lt. Aldo flinches]
Col. Hans Landa: [
chuckling] Caught you flinching.
[
Lt. Aldo headbutts Col. Landa]
Shosanna Dreyfus: My name is Shosanna Dreyfus and THIS is the face... of Jewish vengeance!
Shosanna Dreyfus: You either do what the fuck we tell you, I'll bury this axe in your collaborating skull.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: [
Hellstrom is trying to guess the famous person on his forehead, which is King Kong] I'll start, give you the idea. Am I German?
Bridget von Hammersmark: No.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Am I American?
Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki: Wait a minute, he goes to...
Bridget von Hammersmark: Don't be ridiculous. Obviously I wasn't born in America.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: So, I visited America, yes?
Bridget von Hammersmark: Yes.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Was this visit fortuitous?
Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki: Not for you.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Now, gentlemen, around this time you could ask whether you're real or fictitious. I, however, think that's too easy, so I won't ask that yet. Okay, my native land is the jungle. I visited America, but the visit was not fortuitous to me, but the implication is that it was to somebody else. When I went from the jungle to America, did I go by boat?
Bridget von Hammersmark: Yes.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Did I go against my will?
Bridget von Hammersmark: Yes.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: On this boat ride, was I in chains?
Bridget von Hammersmark: Yes.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: When I arrived in America, was I displayed in chains?
Bridget von Hammersmark: Yes!
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Am I the story of the negro in America?
Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki: No.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Well, then, I must be King Kong.
Joseph Goebbels: You have opera boxes?
Shosanna Dreyfus: Oui.
Joseph Goebbels: How many?
Shosanna Dreyfus: Two.
Joseph Goebbels: More would be better.
Joseph Goebbels: [
to Frederick] It seems I've created a monster. A strangely persuasive monster.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: [
Aldo is carving a swastika into Private Butz's forehead] You know, Lieutenant, you're getting pretty good at that.
Lt. Aldo Raine: You know how you get to Carnegie Hall, doncha? Practice.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: After I kill that guy, you have 30 feet to get to that guy. Can you do it?
Pfc. Omar Ulmer: I have to.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Every German we meet wearing a Nazi uniform... they're gunna die.
Col. Hans Landa: You need all four to win the war.
Adolf Hitler: [
at the premiere of "Nation's Pride"] Extraordinary, my dear. Simply extraordinary. This is your finest film yet.
Joseph Goebbels: [
Goebbels' eyes fill with tears] Thank you, mein Fuhrer. Thank you.
[
repeated line]
Lt. Aldo Raine: I'm gonna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.
Adolf Hitler: Kliest!
Kliest: Yes, mein Fuhrer?
Adolf Hitler: I have an order I want relayed to all German soldiers stationed in France. The Jew degenerate known as the Bear Jew henceforth is never to be referred to as the Bear Jew again. Did you get that, Kliest?
Kliest: Yes, mein Fuhrer.
Adolf Hitler: Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein! How much more of these Jew swine must I endure? They butcher my men like they were fish bait! I have heard the rumors myself! Soldiers of the Third Reich, who have brought the world to its knees, now pecking and clucking like chickens. Do you know the latest rumor they've conjured up in their fear-induced delirium? The one that beats my boys with a bat. The one they call "the Bear Jew" is a golem!
General Frank: Mein Fuhrer, that is just soldier's gossip. No one really believes that the Bear Jew is a golem.
[
last lines]
Lt. Aldo Raine: You know somethin', Utivich? I think this might just be my masterpiece.
Joseph Goebbels: It's only the offspring of slaves that allows America to be competitive athletically. American Olympic gold can be measured in Negro sweat.
Lt. Aldo Raine: That's Sergeant Donny Donowitz. But you might know him better by his nickname... the Bearrrr Jewwwwww... Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you gotta heard about the Bearrrrrr Jewwww...
Lt. Archie Hicox: Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind I go out speaking the king's?
Major Dieter Hellstrom: By all means, Captain.
Lt. Archie Hicox: There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. And seeing as I might be rapping on the door momentarily...
[
he drinks the scotch]
Lt. Archie Hicox: I must say, damned good stuff, sir.
[
pause]
Lt. Archie Hicox: Now, about this pickle we find ourselves in...
Shosanna Dreyfus: I am going to burn down the cinema on Nazi night. And if I'm going to burn down the cinema, which I am, we both know you're not going to let me do it by myself. Because you love me. And I love you. And you're the only person on this earth I can trust. But that's not all we're going to do. Does the filmmaking equipment in the attic still work? I know the film camera does. How about the sound recorder?
Marcel: Quite well, actually. I recorded a new guitarist I met in a cafe last week. It works superb. Why do we need filmmaking equipment?
Shosanna Dreyfus: Because, Marcel, my sweet, we're going to make a film. Just for the Nazis.
Bridget von Hammersmark: I can see since you didn't see what happened inside, the Nazis being there must look odd.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Yeah, we got a word for that kinda odd in English. It's called suspicious.
Col. Hans Landa: [
Aldo has just killed his driver] Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your general for that man's life!
Lt. Aldo Raine: Yeah, they made that deal, but they don't give a fuck about him. They need you.
Col. Hans Landa: You will be shot for this!
Lt. Aldo Raine: Naw, I don't think so. More like I'll be chewed out. I've been chewed out before.
Col. Hans Landa: Monsieur LaPadite, to both your family and your cows I say: Bravo.
Col. Hans Landa: I did have something else I wanted to ask you, but right now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. Oh, well, must not have been important. Till tonight.
[
He leaves. Shosanna lets out a sigh of relief and starts crying]
Col. Hans Landa: [
to Perrier LaPardite] I love rumors! Facts can be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing.
Col. Hans Landa: Monsieur LaPadite, I regret to inform you I have exhausted the extent of my French. To continue to speak it so inadequately would only serve to embarrass me. However, I've been lead to believe that you speak English quite well.
Perrier LaPadite: Oui.
Col. Hans Landa: Well, it just so happens I do as well. This being your house, I ask your permission to switch back to English for the remainder of the conversation.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: [
to Butz, after beating Rachtman to death with his Louisville Slugger] Get the fuck up! You're on deck!
Col. Hans Landa: I have no doubt, and yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night. But you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Goering and you won't get Bormann. And you need all four to end the war. But if I do pick up that phone right there, you may very well get all four. And if you get all four, you end the war... tonight.
[
he opens a bottle of Chianti]
Col. Hans Landa: So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Well I speak the most Italian, so I'll be your escort. Donowitz speaks the second most so he'll be your Italian cameraman. Omar speaks third most, so he'll be Donny's assistant.
Pfc. Omar Ulmer: But I don't speak Italian.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Like I said, third best. Just keep your fuckin' mouth shut. In fact why don't you start practicing, right now
Col. Hans Landa: Au Revoir Shosanna!
Lt. Archie Hicox: Lieutenant Archie Hicox reporting, Sir!
General Ed Fenech: General Ed Fenech. At ease, Hicox. Drink?
Lt. Archie Hicox: If you offered me a Scotch and plain water, I could drink Scotch and plain water.
General Ed Fenech: Attaboy, Lieutenant. Make it yourself like a good chap, will you? The bar's in the globe.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Something for yourself, Sir?
General Ed Fenech: Whiskey, straight. No junk in it.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's?
Major Dieter Hellstrom: By all means, Captain.
Lt. Archie Hicox: [
Picks up his glass of scotch] There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as I might be rapping on the door momentarily...
[
He drinks it]
Lt. Archie Hicox: I must say, damn good stuff, Sir.
[
He sets his glass down and smokes his cigarette]
Lt. Archie Hicox: Now, about this pickle... we find ourselves in. It would appear there's only thing left for you to do.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: And what would that be?
Lt. Archie Hicox: Stiglitz?
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: Say auf wiedersehen to your Nazi balls.
[
Stiglitz fires his gun into Hellstrom's crotch, Hicox and Hellstrom fire their guns at each other, and all three men are quickly killed in the ensuing
battle]
Lt. Aldo Raine: [
the Basterds are breaking Sgt. Stiglitz out of jail] Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz?
[
Sgt. Stiglitz nods]
Lt. Aldo Raine: Lt. Aldo Raine. These are the Basterds, ever heard of us?
[
Sgt. Stiglitz nods]
Lt. Aldo Raine: We just wanted to say we're a big fan of your work. When it comes to killing Nazis...
Nazi Guard: Uggghhhhaahhh...
[
one of the Basterds shoots him]
Lt. Aldo Raine: ...I think you show great talent. And I pride myself on having an eye for that kind of talent. But your status as a Nazi killer is still amateur. We all come here to see if you wanna go pro.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: Teddy fuckin' Williams knocks it out of the park! Fenway Park on its feet for Teddy! Fuckin' ballgame! He went yardo on that one, on to fuckin' Lansdowne Street!
Lt. Aldo Raine: [
trying to speaking Italian in an attempt to fool Landa to keep up his cover as an Italian actor] Gwatzeeeeee. Gwatzeeee. Gwatzeeee.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Arriverderci.
Fredrick Zoller: [
shouting to the camera, acting in Nation's Pride] Who wants to send a message to Germany?
[
Nation's Pride is interrupted by Shosanna's movie]
Shosanna Dreyfus: I have a message for Germany.
[
Hitler and Goebbels watch in shock]
Shosanna Dreyfus: [
her image on the screen smirks] That you are all going to die.
Adolf Hitler: [
yelling] Enough! Stop it!
Joseph Goebbels: [
yelling] Turn off the projector!
Shosanna Dreyfus: And I want you to look deep into the face of the *Jew* that is going to do it!
Joseph Goebbels: [
as the audience begins to shout in protest and anger] I don't know what this is! This is not part of my movie!
Shosanna Dreyfus: [
her image on the screen smiles] Marcel... burn it down.
Marcel: [
standing behind the screen, he smiles] Oui, Shosanna.
Bridget von Hammersmark: I know this is a silly question before I ask it, but can you Americans speak any other language besides English?
Col. Hans Landa: [
Landa and Bridget sit alone in Shoshana's office] Let me see your foot.
Bridget von Hammersmark: I beg your pardon?
Col. Hans Landa: [
he pats his lap] Put your foot in my lap.
Bridget von Hammersmark: Colonel, you embarrass me.
Col. Hans Landa: I assure you, fraulein, my intention is not to flirt.
[
Bridget gives in and places her foot in Landa's lap. He removes her shoe, and then places the shoe he found on her foot]
Col. Hans Landa: What's that American expression? "If the shoe fits... You must wear it."
[
he removes the foot from his lap]
Bridget von Hammersmark: What now, Colonel?
Lt. Archie Hicox: What should we drink to, sir?
General Ed Fenech: Down with Hitler!
Lt. Archie Hicox: All the way down, sir.
General Ed Fenech: [
On the Germans attending the film premeire] We have all our rotten eggs in one basket. The objective of the operation: blow up the basket.
I'm gonna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.
Lt. Aldo Raine
